Bullshattuck

The Longest Seven Days in America

The current headline on the Huffington Post, in large red block letters, reads simply the following: SEVEN DAYS. Intrigued, I clicked on the headline, only to learn that the SEVEN DAYS refers to…

a.) The number of days that remain on Earth until the Middle East finally self-combusts?

b.) Or the number of days that remain until the entire human population is destroyed by an asteroid the size of a very large asteroid?

c.) Or the number of days that remain until an awkwardly large percentage of society comes together in a nation-wide mass suicide, due to the second place finish of David Archuleta?

Of course not. Let's not be mostly ridiculous. The SEVEN DAYS on the Huffington Post refers to the number of days remaining until the Democratic primaries are officially over.

And if you think you're hearing legions of angels singing the "Hallelujah" chorus, you are correct.

While Hillary will most stay likely stay in the race until Arbor Day 2009 (or until all the trees disappear from the planet, whatever occurs first), the fact that the Democratic primaries are over in only a week is kind of a big milestone. Now true, the primaries occur once every four years, and in theory the ending of the primaries shouldn't be a big deal. But like that one Christmas in 1986 which you spent with your annoying in-laws, this particular year seems much longer than most years

I have to admit that with the primaries over, I feel a little bit of loss. Sure, now that the primaries are over we can move on to a little something called "the general election." Nevertheless, I don't know if I'm quite ready for them to be over yet. They're like an inappropriate alcoholic uncle who visits twice a year… we're not necessarily fond of him, but we'll undoubtedly cry at his funeral. I feel as though I grew up with the primaries, which isn't that big of a stretch considering that the current primary began while Larry King was going through puberty.

I'm going to miss the 9/11 days of Rudy "9/11" Giuliani. I'm going to miss comparing Dennis and Elizabeth Kucinich to Gollum and Mrs. Way Too Hot for Gollum. I'm going to miss Mike Huckabee's hidden Christmas card cross, Mike Gravel's presidential candidacy announcement video/art student project, Chris Dodd's chance in hell, and Ron Paul's enthusiastic supporters (only half of whom have actually claim to have been abducted by aliens).

It's now down to Barack Obama and John McCain. While most Americans are happy to have the primaries over, I will publicly and embarrassingly admit that I'll miss the circus that has been the primaries. I know I'm in the minority, but like that inappropriate alcoholic uncle, I'm just not sure that I'm ready for the primaries to die yet.

Wait, what's that? There's been ANOTHER kerfuffle concerning Hillary and supposed politically incorrect comments about assasination?

I changed my mind. I was ready for these SEVEN DAYS to be over yesterday.

California and Massachusetts are Totally Getting Gay Married

Earlier today, the California Supreme Court struck down California’s ban on same-sex marriage, a ban that had existed since a voter referendum in 2000.

Why does this matter, especially for non-homosexuals who live in non-California? As San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom pointed out, “It’s a throwaway line, but I think it’s true: As California goes, so goes the nation.”

As California goes, so goes the nation.

IT’S TIME FOR A GAY MARRIAGE POP QUIZ!

QUESTION ONE:

Will gay marriage play a roll in the 2008 presidential elections, the same way it did in 2004?

________________________________

QUESTION TWO:

How will the presidential candidates respond to the California Supreme Court’s decision?

________________________________

BONUS QUESTION:

If the nation follows California, and the presidential candidates follow the nation, and the media follows the presidential candidates, and political bloggers follow the media, and California allows gay-marriage, and Elton John is gay-married, then which of the following statements are true:

a.) All political bloggers are actually Elton John.

b.) Dennis Kucinich’s wife is still way too hot for him.

Get In Shape for the Right Reasons

(This column was published in the
May 14th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle - if this column looks familiar, it's because it's a variation on an old column I wrote about a year ago)

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

This month is the most wonderful time of the year, one may ask? No, it’s not Avoid One’s Family Christmas. Nor, is it our Pretend To Not Be Depressed Valentines Day. It’s not even An Excuse To Dress Like A Superhero or a Whore Halloween. This most wonderful time of the year I’m referring to is the Beginning of Summer – an annual time of year that society looks forward to more than Fundamentalist Christians look forward to the Rapture. This most likely has something to do with the fact that The Rapture is not a sudden ascension into heaven as much as it is a New York post punk revival band.

While Utah’s 17-month long Winter has driven me to look forward to summer myself, I also find myself experiencing another feeling as the days become warmer: dread. I’m sure I’m not alone. True, Summer means vacations, barbecues, Pioneer Day parades and Independence Day celebrations. Summer also means that we’re too fat to wear that swimsuit to a pool party, we feel self-conscious showing skin at the beach, and Free Bikini Day at Brigham Young University is out of the question. Rejections and excuses come fast and furious “I have a dentist appointment . . . I have a funeral to attend . . . I’m the second pregnant man in recorded history, and I have to get ready for Oprah.” Nevertheless, rejections and excuses dry up, and we must face the inevitable.

It’s summer time. And we have body image issues.

With the transition from the cooler seasons to the warmer seasons comes a renewed interest in being buffed, tanned, plucked, coifed and liposucked. Some of us don’t care. Some of us spend all day obsessing. Some of us may even already have the perfect body of Portia de Rossi or Jake Gyllenhaal – and may those people either die, or date me. For the rest of us whose body more closely resembles a mailman than it does a male model, the question of how we’ll look in a swimsuit this summer is a very real issue. Some women become depressed over their bodies. Some men spend thousands of dollars on their bodies. Many go on fad diets consisting of nothing but unsugared lemonade and cayenne pepper to improve their bodies. People even become so desperate that they turn to such people as Dr. Phil.

Personally, I wouldn’t even trust Dr. Phil to recommend a decent restaurant.

While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy, this Dorian Gray mentality of wanting to remain young and beautiful consumes so much of our time and energy that it must be asked – is all the time we donate to the cause of being perpetually young actually worth it? We spend this time as if we – and myself included – are afraid of admitting we’re imperfect and accepting the reality of who we really are. Is there anything wrong with admitting flaws and imperfections? If we already feel self-conscious about our physical health, then isn’t it assumed that obsessing about it will also affect our mental health?

Now of course I, like probably anyone else, believe that there is nothing immoral with having a healthy amount of self-respect. But while I’m not a licensed nutritionist, a personal trainer, a therapist, a researcher, or the-type-of-person-who-should-be-sharing-a-public-opinion, I still do not believe it’s necessary or even healthy to become so overwhelmed with an endless search to be perfect and beautiful that it consumes all of one’s life. As Tyler Durden asks in the movie Fight Club upon seeing an ad of a male model on a bus, “Is that what a real man is supposed to look like?” Are many of us in search of a naïve perfection that doesn’t actually exist, short of plastic surgery, Photoshop, and compulsive lying? Then again, Tyler Durden did in fact have the perfect body, so he may not be the best person to quote. I also don’t know how much merit should be given to a person and their opinions when that person’s person hobbies include blowing up buildings and punching random people.

As the warmer months approach, perhaps we should ask ourselves: are we getting in shape for the summer because we want to be healthier and improve our longevity – or because we don’t feel good about ourselves? Are we trying to reach a positive or avoid a negative? Are we trying to feel better about ourselves or are we trying to avoid feeling bad about ourselves? Are we ready to let go of all our unnecessary, preconceived notions? Are we ready to admit we’re imperfect – and so is everyone else?

Let’s lose weight in order to be healthier. But more importantly, let’s lose this preoccupation with beauty and vanity and perfection that consumes so much of our lives.

As for me, I have a pool party this weekend, and I need to work on my gag reflex if I am to throw up my lunch.

I love this time of the year.

It's a Small World After All

Several years ago, I read a book about the ‘evils’ of the Walt Disney Company. I don’t necessarily remember the basic tenets of the book, but it ranged from such claims as the benign (the Disney company doesn’t treat its employees very well) to the absurd (the Disney company is actually a cult). How preposterous! How ridiculous! The Disney Company isn’t evil! It’s not as if, sometime in the 90’s, the Disney Company actually went and built a town in Florida, complete with its own zip code!

Oh wait. Never mind.

Big deal. So a few people are such fanatics of All Things Disney that they actually move to a town designed by the Disney Company. Good riddance, I say. As far as I’m concerned, people who are such fanatics of any one idea or company or person should have every right to move to a town of like-minded people. Besides, it’s not as if any of the current presidential candidates’ supporters are such fanatics that they’re actually designing in town in Texas that was inspired by their candidate!

Oh wait. Never mind.

The world just recently learned about Paulville, Texas – a town being designed and built by Ron Paul supporters (I should probably stop referring to them as Ron Paul “fanatics,” as I’m too young to die). The town will consist of 500 acres of “freedom and liberty lovers” and will give citizens “the right to wield semi-automatic weapons and the abolition of income tax.” All one needs to in order to become a citizen of Paulville, aside from being crazier than a box of crazy people, is to be a huge huge huge supporter of Ron Paul and really really really love freedom and liberty.

That’s what’s great about the United States – we have the freedom to choose where to live:

If you’re crazy about Disney, you can live in Celebration, Florida.

If you’re crazy about Ron Paul, you can live in Paulville, Texas.

If you’re just plain crazy, you can live in a mental institution. Or in Celebration or in Paulville.

Til the End of Time

So Hillary Clinton took Indiana in the primaries last night. Big deal. As everyone knows, she plans on staying in the race for a very long time. Not until June. Not until the convention. But forever. Hillary Clinton is going to stay in the race forever.

Will she go down in history as the first president to be female? No. She will go down in history as the first presidential candidate to achieve immortality.

Like everyone else under the age of – let’s be honest – 93, I’m pretty burned out by this entire race. Several months ago, I would have enjoyed watching the primary returns on CNN. Last night however, instead of watching the returns for Indiana and North Carolina, I thought I would have a movie marathon instead. I just need to do something that has nothing to do with politics whatsoever. A movie marathon should get my mind off this never ending race!

The following is a list of some of the movies I ended up watching, trying to get my mind off the race and Hillary Clinton in particular:

• Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, the 2003 movie about a cyborg who just can’t seem to die or go away.

• Interview with a Vampire, the 1994 movie about a vampire who just can’t seem to die or go away.

• Nightmare on Elm Street, the 1984 movie about a serial killer who just can’t seem to die or go away.

• I then decided to take a break and play my favorite computer game, Wherein the World is Carmen Sandiego?, a game about an international thief who just can’t seem to die or go away.

Dammit. Mission not accomplished.

I Want to Tell a Kid that the Ice Cream Plant Burned Down

This is an ad I saw in the Wall Street Journal for Liberty Mutual awhile back. It reads "Nobody wants to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down. Certainly not us."

I understand the point they're trying to make - kind of. But seriously... why is the "Certainly not us" part even necessary? Certainly not us? As if to imply that there are some people who do want to tell a kid that the ice cream plant burned down - but it's certainly not us?

I can only imagine the ads they rejected:

• "No one wants to tell a kid that Santa Clause doesn't exist. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that they caused their parents' divorce. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that cookies from the new neighbor are poisonous. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that their new puppy was hit by a car. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that 20% of all children in Columbia are kidnapped and raped. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that most of their toys are from China and contain lethal amounts of lead. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that dressing up like Miley Cyrus for Halloween makes the kid look like a whore. Certainly not us."
• "No one wants to tell a kid that the reason the tooth fairy has stopped leaving money under the kid's pillow is because daddy is an alcoholic and spent all of his money on booze. Certainly not us."

You Might Be a Super Delegate If...

Barack Obama says on Meet the Press that Hillary Clinton most likely will stay in the race until the end. As of today, the Democratic primary has now lasted approximately 1,342 weeks. What is America to do?

Well fear not, you 72 million registered Democrats (give or take a few million) out there. I have a solution. Consider the following:

FACT: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are currently in a statistical tie.

FACT: The only way Barack can offer the final blow OR Hillary can pull ahead is for the super delegates to announce for whom they are voting.

FACT: For some reason, many super delegates across the U.S. have still not announced who they are supporting.

THEREFORE: Most of the super delegates are not aware that they are a super delegate.

It’s simple! Once you know you’re a super delegate… you’ll announce your support for either candidate… and then the greatest debate of all time in the history of time and space will come to an end. But how exactly is a person to whether they’re a super delegate?

YOU MIGHT BE A SUPER DELEGATE IF:

1. You inexplicably feel a large sense of power and responsibility whenever you watch CSPAN.

2. You’re having dinner at Red Lobster, and Ted Kennedy’s paying.

3. You giggle whenever you overhear someone say “I sure wish the super delegates would just decide already.”

4. Oprah sends you a brand new car – and even pays the taxes on it.

5. You wake up with a hangover, after doing shots with Hillary the night before.

6. Barack stops by Burger King while you’re working the evening shift, and tells you he’s so concerned that you only make minimum wage that it keeps him awake at night.

7. You’ve been fake-interviewed by a Daily Show correspondent. Twice.

8. Chelsea asks you if she can put you in her ‘top 8 friends,’ despite the fact that no one uses MySpace anymore.

9. You suddenly starting using words like “gravitas” and “more important than everyone else I know” when describing yourself in an online personal ad.

10. You’re a Nobel Peace Prize winning, Academy Award winning, former vice-president.

The Long Island Iced Tea - A Tribute

Today is the last day, in the great state of Utah, where a person may order a Long Island Iced Tea. As of tomorrow, May 5th, yet another of Utah's totally non-quirky liquor laws will become a reality.

As we bid adieu to the dash of cola, 1 oz. lemon juice, 1 oz. rum, 1 oz. tequila, 1 oz. gin, and 1 oz. vodka concoction of wonder and mirth (shake and add lemon wedge) - a concoction which has caused many a person to make many a drunken phone call - may we bow our heads in silence at the passing of such a great friend.

A somber time such as this calls to mind the following immortal poem:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out - because i was not a Trade Unionist.

Then the Utah lawmakers came for the Long Island Iced Tea, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Long Island Iced Tea.

Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak for me.

May liquor-fearing Republican Utah lawmakers be cursed in your named, Long Island Iced Tea. Utah will miss you.

Amen.

Ron Paul Followers Do Not Believe in Using Hyperbole

With all the commotion surrounding Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama (and if you squint just right, John McCain as well), it’s easy for some people to forget that Ron Paul is still running for the president of the United States. Of course by “some people,” I mean “those people who aren’t part of the Ron Paul Revolution.”

And of course by “those people who aren’t part of the Ron Paul Revolution,” I mean “pretty much everybody.”

Ron Paul released his new book yesterday, The Revolution: A Manifesto. For those who don’t plan on voting for Ron Paul, this was simply a new book. For those who do plan on voting for Ron Paul, this book is more groundbreakingly historical than a copy of the Bible handwritten by Jesus himself, complete with a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s chocolate factory wedged between the Old and New Testaments.

To Ron Paul supporters, this is no ordinary book – this is the book to end all books.

Hyperbole is an Eliot Spitzer prostitute – they’re both cheap and easy (minus the cheap part). Therefore, instead of believing my hyperbole concerning Ron Paul’s infallible book, consider the following real comments left on Amazon.com:

That's right. You read correctly.

1. “Ron Paul + Jesse Ventura = Critical Mass”

2. “If this book does not save our liberties, what will?”

3. “The most important writing since Patrick Henry’s ‘Common Sense’”

4. “Ultimate Survival kit for seekers of liberty: The Bible & The Revolution: A Manifesto”

5. “Perhaps we can still save our country, by Warpy McDuckard”

Warpy McDuckard. Warpy McDuckard. Someone believes we can still save our country, and that person is Warpy McDuckard.

And my favorite…

Ron Paul More Important than the Second Coming of Christ?

You have to at least give them credit for asking this in the form of a question, and not just assuming.

So there you have it. People who review Ron Paul's new book do believe in hyperbole, and are a lot more normal than the media would have us believe.

On an absolutely, completely unrelated note, ‘The Secret’ is still on sale on Amazon.

Google Searches that Led You to Bullshattuck, March & April 2008

Happy Hairstylist Appreciation Day! For those of you not in the know (i.e. everybody alive), today is officially Hairstylist Appreciation Day! I know, right? I didn't know it was Hairstylist Appreciation Day either, until I found out it was! So go get your haircut! Go appreciate your hairstylist! After all... Hairstylist Appreciation Day only comes around once a year, unlike some of the Jewish holidays.

Seriously, aren't Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah like seven times a year?

Today is also the last day of April. Where did the month go? I'm guessing it probably went with months January, February, and March, although let's not be all scientific about it. The point is, time mostly moves forward, and tomorrow most likely is May. Therefore, it's time to present:

GOOGLE SEARCHES THAT LED YOU TO BULLSHATTUCK IN MARCH & APRIL 2008

Because I didn't post the "Google Searches that Led You to Bullshattuck" list in March, I'll make sure that April is a double edition! That's twice as much!

• ryan shattuck bull shattuck (this seems pretty obvious)
• horseshoing joke (I don't know how the joke goes, but I'm sure it's inappropriate)
• 2008 oscars movie tribute
• oscars, reviews, 2008
• republicans in hollywood video (#1 hit!)
• clinton shattuck (apparently I married Bill, but kept my maiden name)
• Gay Mormon (this isn't the first search to bring visitors to my site - weird)
• "repairyourbadcredit.com" rip off (using Google in Russian, no less)
• Gay Mormon
• what does the talisman monkey and bull mean in spiritualism (#1 hit!)
• "he's so old" jokes
• "ryan shattuck" (knowing that people google me makes me kind of nervous)
• pennies attak by girls
• Do gay guys go to heaven (if you have to ask, you don't need to know - and no, they don't)
• what do you get a 45 year old man for his birthday (I repeat: if you have to ask, you don't need to know)
• Andy Warhol asexual
• salt lake city ryan blog cher
• i received your message on my birthday (using Google in Filipino)
• Chris Buttars Utah
• hillary clinton's lucky charms
• example of my speech for my birthday (using Google in Hawaiian - how multicultural of me)
• marie osmond
• rmwarnick profile
• "Eating Out 2" (I hate this movie, so I'm mad a Google search leads people to my site)
• Chris Butters utah controversy (seriously, people are still looking this up?)
• regal seagull
• bullshattuck (again, this seems obvious)
• announcing a new brand