Born (That Way) On the Fourth of July
I have yet to be convinced that Independence Day isn’t a holiday that was established to honor the gay community.
Gaudy red, white and blue clothing? Multi-colored fireworks? Over-the-top parades? Endless beer drinking? Barbecues culminating in gay sex? True, maybe Independence Day doesn’t necessarily invoke images of gay sex… but at the same time, I’ve also never been invited to the Annual Sean Cody Independence Day Barbecue. One also has to at least consider that iconic really-tall-woman-in-a-green-dress, wearing a crown and holding a scepter. If anyone can demonstrate to me that the Statue of Liberty isn’t actually a drag queen, I’ll demonstrate the detrimental effects of a fat suit + time (i.e. the difference between, oh I don’t know, Eddie Murphy in ‘Raw’ and Eddie Murphy in ‘Norbit’).
One of the often-overlooked aspects of gay rights is how intrinsically related they are to freedom in general. While I believe that all Americans should be grateful for their freedom, those who should especially be grateful are minorities from all walks of life – including those from the GLBT community. When it comes to being free, gay rights and freedom are more entangled than Bob Mackie and the subtlety of a sequined garbage truck on fire.
In order to demonstrate the progression of the freedom of the American people, and particularly the freedom of gay and lesbian people, I thought it would be appropriate to highlight the events from history that have played a roll in the freedom of gay and lesbians across the United States.
1776: Citizens from the newly established United States of America celebrate their freedom from Great Britain by dividing into two large political parties and passionately disagreeing over gun rights, abortion, the environment, illegal immigration, the Iraq War and Bill O’Reilly.
1787: The United States Constitution is adopted. The Founding Fathers purposefully leave out protection against ‘discrimination based on sexual orientation,’ due to the fact that it’s difficult to tell who is a homosexual when you all of your peers wear wigs.
1868: The Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution is ratified, securing the rights of former slaves and providing equal protection under the law. Reverend Al Sharpton credits himself for the passage, after inviting the Fourteenth Amendment to be interviewed on his radio talk show. The Fourteenth Amendment declines.
1920: Women in the United States win the right to vote after Congress passes the 19th Amendment to the Constitution. Later that year, Hillary Clinton forms a presidential exploratory committee.
1958: The United States Supreme Court reverses a lower court’s ruling and establishes a precedent that homosexual publications are not intrinsically “obscene” and thus protected by the First Amendment. They later reverse their ruling upon the discovery that Sanjaya has a blog.
1964: The Civil Rights Act is passed, outlawing segregation in public places. Michael Richards shows his support for the Civil Rights Act by sharing his opinion of African-Americans while at the Laugh Factory.
1973: The American Psychiatric Association votes to remove homosexuality as a mental disorder from the DSM. They replace the blank in the DSM left by the entry for “homosexuality as a mental disorder” with “people who attend Jimmy Buffett concerts – on purpose.”
1977: Harvey Milk, of San Francisco, becomes the first openly gay elected official of any large city in the United States, only to be assassinated in 1978. The common opaque white liquid, known as “cow’s mammary gland puss,” is renamed “milk” in honor of his death.
1979: The first national gay rights march takes place when some 100,000 gay men and women march in Washington D.C. Their numbers quickly dwindle however to a mere 5,000, when the crowd learns that it will still be several more years before Britney Spears, Cyndi Lauper, or even Frankie Goes to Hollywood release an album.
1996: Hawaii begins offering reciprocal beneficiary registration for same-sex couples. Many gay couples end up moving to Hawaii to be ‘leised’ – with benefits.
1998: The Supreme Court rules in Oncale v. Sundowner Offshore Services that federal laws banning on-the-job sexual harassment also apply when both parties are of the same sex. They also ruled that the law doesn’t apply when the guy sexually harassing you is really, really hot.
2003: The United States Supreme Court rules in Lawrence v. Texas that laws against sodomy or anal sex cannot be directed at homosexuals alone. So if you happen to be Clay Aiken, don’t worry about the fact that you’re not gay – you can still have anal sex in Texas!
2004: Massachusetts becomes the first state in the United States to allow same-sex marriage. Stars consequently fall from the sky, heterosexual marriages across the U.S. fall apart, drug abuse skyrockets to 103%, and it turns out that porn exists – of all places – on the Internet.
2007: The New Jersey Supreme Court legalizes civil unions. A mass exodus occurs when gay couples move to nearby Connecticut, to avoid having a civil union certificate that reads “Location of Union: New Jersey.”
2016: Utah becomes one of the last remaining states to legalize same-sex marriage, after Scott McCoy wins in a landslide against ousted Senator Orrin Hatch to become Utah’s first openly gay governor.
Being gay in the United States means we’ve had to work much harder at securing the same rights and freedoms as everyone else. Remember the freedom we celebrate – both as Americans, and as the gay community. Have a safe and memorable Independence Day.
As for America, may you have a very Happy Birthday!
You may be turning 231 years old, but you don’t look a day over 21.
Comments