Of Vice and (Gay) Men
“Hello. My name is Ryan. And I’m an alcoholic.”
“Hi Ryan.”
“I also lack successful intrapersonal skills, make up for my deficiency of ambition with an unhealthy dose of procrastination, always mispronounce the word “mispronounce,” think that Margaritaville is a really great restaurant, and still insist to this day that it was Kurt Vonnegut who wrote the ‘The Sunscreen Song.’”
“Yeah, um, Ryan, is it? This is Alcoholics Anonymous. Let’s just stick to alcohol.”
So you’ve decided to take the plunge and become a homosexual! Congratulations – you’re in for a great time. Be warned though – being a modern homosexual isn’t easy and is not what everyone makes it. For starters, you’ll need to maintain a witty sense of humor, develop a keen taste in style and fashion, nourish a voracious appetite for sex, and learn to appreciate the oh-so-subtle music stylings of Madonna.
Oh, and there’s a 30% chance that you may need to become an alcoholic.
It’s no surprise – no more surprising than the news that Paris Hilton was released from jail early for ‘medical reasons’ (i.e. sick of being in jail) – that gay men and alcohol go together like gin and tonic, rum and coke, and tequila and more tequila. Anywhere that gay men may be present – whether Gay Pride, a gay bar, a gay party, or gay Alcoholics Anonymous – so too will be alcohol. Drunk at church? Wasted at a bar mitzvah? Plastered at a wedding? Smashed at Gymboree? What would normally be a social taboo is completely plausible when you’re gay. “Social event” really means “drink alcohol” to many gay men and women – the same way that Promises, Promises really means “two weeks” to Lindsay Lohan.
How did it become this way – and why do we drink so much? While we are certainly to be held responsible for our drinking habits, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that for a people who were told since childhood that we weren’t normal enough, don’t deserve the same rights as everyone else, and that those pants make our ass look huge, that we would eventually resort to drinking as adults. Regardless of our reasons for drinking, do we sometimes take it too far? Are we promising ourselves that we’ll only drink during the week in days that end in “d-a-y?” Are we hypnotized by Justification? Yes, Justification is a beautiful mistress – but unfortunately she’s also riddled with STDs.
While there isn’t a current consensus in the medical community on what percent of the gay population has a drinking problem, gay men and women, according to Alcohol Health & Research World, are 30% more likely to experience “excessive and/or problematic drinking” than are straight men and women. If one considers that 180,000 people live in Salt Lake City, that gay men and women make up about 10% of the population, and that 30% of all gay men and women are likely to have a problem with alcoholism – that means that 3 million gay men and women in Salt Lake City are alcoholics. That’s at least half the number of people who died in the Holocaust. And that’s a lot.
So what? What’s the big deal? Doesn’t the fact that gay men and women drink more than straight men and women simply prove more that we have more to deal with – that the formation of our gay identity may be linked to this increased prevalence to drink? Don’t depressed people take more Prozac than non-depressed people? Don’t pregnant women give birth more than non-pregnant women? While admittedly we got trouble (right here in River City), some of us are allowing these reasons and excuses for drinking to become a driving force – and even a medication. Hoping that alcohol will erase our problems and wipe away our tears is like replacing Botox with Elmer’s Glue and hoping for the same effect.
Regardless of whether our insistence to drink is justified, we should remember that gay men and women who drink are three times less likely to engage in safe sex (perhaps), seven times more likely to quarrel with a significant other (maybe), and one hundred times more likely to tell their ex that they miss them via text message (totally true). Gay men and women also need to be more careful with self-monitoring than others, for not only are gay men and women less likely to enter treatment centers than the general public, but most treatment centers do not specifically address the special needs of the gay and lesbian community.
The fact that the gay community drinks more than the straight community isn’t necessarily immoral – but rather something to at least be aware of. The next time you decide however that you want to imbibe, remember what William Faulkner said of drinking: “Civilization begins with distillation.” Or what Ernest Hemingway said of drinking: “A man does not exist until he is drunk.” Or what Jack Kerouac said of drinking: “Don’t drink to get drunk. Drink to enjoy life.” Or what Ryan Shattuck said of drinking: “Where am I? What year is this? Can someone give me a ride home?”
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