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« July 2007 | Main | September 2007 »

August 2007

Free Speech Protects Your Enemies Too

(This article was published in the
August 31st, 2007 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)



In his 1988 book Manufacturing Consent: The Political Economy of the Mass Media, Noam Chomsky boldly states: "Goebbels was in favor of free speech for views he liked. So was Stalin. If you're in favor of free speech, then you're in favor of freedom of speech precisely for views you despise. Otherwise, you're not in favor of free speech."

To be fair, Chomsky is a libertarian socialist; therefore, everything he says about freedom of speech is probably wrong. Supporting freedom of speech for views that one despises? Radical! Liberal! Un-American! The only people who deserve the inalienable right to freedom of speech are those with whom I agree!

Oh, and Nancy Grace.

Freedom of speech is a curious thing. It forbids you from yelling "Fire!" in a crowded movie theatre but allows you to yell "I'm tired of watching Oscar nominated actors in fat suits!" if that movie happens to be "Norbit." Democrats demand freedom of speech when it involves sex. Republicans demand freedom of speech when it involves religion. Third-party candidates demand freedom of speech when it involves neither sex nor religion, i.e. Ralph Nader. How can so many people interpret freedom of speech to be so many different things? Why isn't freedom of speech as well-understood as that other First Amendment, the never-controversial freedom of religion?

Being an opinion columnist means having to traverse the fine line that separates freedom of speech and freedom of who-the-hell-asked-you on a regular basis. By definition, the opinion columnist is paid to share an opinion, yet it is this very opinion-sharing that often immerses the opinion columnist in controversy. No one wants to read the opinions of a columnist if the opinions are bland and unoriginal, yet no one wants to read the opinions of a columnist if the opinions are controversial and against that which we believe. Employing the freedom of speech as an opinion columnist often means being damned if you do, and damned if you aren't anti-abortion, pro-gun rights, anti-gay marriage, and pro-Iraq War.

I address this specific point because of the comments several readers made in reference to a recent article written by a fellow Chronicle columnist on the topic of welfare. This unnamed columnist, to whom I will give the pseudonym of "Tiara C. Fuller" (which ironically also happens to be, her real name), committed the grievous crime and unpardonable sin in her article by doing that which she is paid to do -- express her opinions. In response to her article, letters to the editor requested that "Tiara" be fired and message-board comments suggested she find a new career. In short, just an average Monday.

Did this opinion columnist cross the freedom-of-speech line by simply expressing her opinions on welfare? Was her opinion really as unforgivable as that of Mel Richards Imus Gibson, the celebrity who gained infamy by defaming Jewish African-American basketball players while drunkenly claiming to own Malibu -- all while performing in a comedy club?

I say no. While I strongly disagree with the opinions of Fuller and believe her opinions are as valid as an uneducated can of soup (as opposed to an educated can of soup -- regardless of the fact that it's on welfare), I believe that she, not only as an opinion columnist but also as an American citizen, has as much right to voice her opinion as I do to voice my opinion against her opinion. Dissent is good, and disagreeing is healthy. It is through the opposition of opinions that society finds balance.

If everyone agreed with me, this would be a lame and boring United States of America. If everyone agreed with Fuller this would be the United States of the Privileged Caucasian. If everyone agreed with Nancy Grace, this would be the United States of Anna Nicole Smith's Death: More After the Break.

Columnists and journalists who commit fraud, such as former New York Times reporter Jayson Blair, should be fired. But those who simply express their opinion -- correct or not -- are protected by the First Amendment. As Evelyn Beatrice Hall once famously said, "I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it." While I certainly have no immediate plans to give my life for Fuller (only because I have plans for Labor Day), I do however support her right to freedom of speech.

Whether preaching about Christianity, promoting the omphalos hypothesis or simply blogging about the eerie fact that Steve Jobs becomes Kurt Russell when he grows out his hair, the First Amendment protects all beliefs and the right to share all opinions. Everyone is entitled to freedom of speech, whether we agree or not.

Maybe Noam Chomsky was on to something after all.

August 12th - Whats New(s) with Bullshattuck

RETIRED

Merv Griffin, the mastermind behind the game shows 'Jeopardy' and 'Wheel of Fortune' died today at the age of 82. Griffin, who passed away from prostate cancer, had a long illustrious career ranging from radio singer and television producer to real estate developer and talk show host. His most popular game shows, 'Jeopardy' and 'Wheel of Fortune,' have each been on the air for more than two decades and have since become a staple of television pop culture. Millions of retirees the world over have come to depend on tuning in to 'Wheel of Fortune' at 7:00, followed by 'Jeopardy' at 7:30, weekdays.

In honor of Griffin's lifelong dedication to television, it was recently announced by the White House that the time currently known as "seven o' clock" will officially be renamed "Merv Griffin o' clock," weekdays.

-bullshattuck

Utah Exports Its Fakeness to Bullshattuck

TAKE HEART, UTAH!

You plucky Beehive State, you! As you are well aware, Utah leads the nation when it comes to exporting fakeness.

Utah famously and proudly exports:

Fake political candidates!

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Fake happiness!

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Fake family values!

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Yes, we export fakeness, but you'll be excited to know that Utah now imports fakeness!

Starting with:

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Yes, it's true. It's recently been reported that none other than Lindsay Lohan is attending rehab in none other than Provo, Utah.

If we're lucky, at this rate we'll soon have a fakeness trade deficit with Hollywood!

Bullshattuck Supports Someone Else's Father for President

Poor Rudy Giuliani. Can't a presidential candidate guy ever catch a break?

I read this morning on Slate.com that the Facebook profile for Giuliani's daughter, Caroline, shows her supporting Not Her Father for president - a candidate also known as Barack Obama.

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I have to admit, I feel rather embarrassed for Giuliani (Giuliani the candidate, not Giuliani the candidate-hater). The "I hate my father" theme has been rather popular lately - epitomized in The Simpsons Movie for example, when Bart decides that his neighbor Flanders may take his fathering responsibilities more seriously than Bart's own father, Homer.

What is a bad father to do? While personal laziness prevents me from finding more than two examples of modern culture's awful fathers, I do have to ask: why is society treating these poor, innocent fathers the same way - what's a good metaphor I can use - an unattached, estranged father would treat his own children?

Rudy Giuliani, George Bush Sr., Homer Simpson - I'm sure they have good intentions. Can't they catch a break once in awhile? It's one thing to to accuse a politician of being Beelzebub himself, but it's quite another to accuse Beelzebub's daughter of voting for someone else or simply looking ugly (even if mid-nineties Chelsea Clinton did look like like a feminized trash bag with hair extensions).

Sure, I will vote for my left testicle long before I even imagining voting for Giuliani. And yes, I believe Giuliani is a war-mongering opportunistic hypocrite who puts his personal ambitions before his vauge sense of morals.

But accusing Giuliani of being a poor father? Now that's low.

Cheer up, all you awful fathers out there! Just in time for Father's Day are FATHER'S DAY CARDS! Sure, they may be 2 months late - but I'll start sending your Father's Day cards on time once you start sending my child support on time!

Cards courtesy of peopleworsethanus.blogspot.com:

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Bullshattuck Sues the Environmentalists

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Want a good laugh?

I read the Salt Lake Tribune's letters to the editor with some regularity, whenever I'm in search of free entertainment. Some of them are angry letters ("Here's what I hate about Mormons!") and others are just funny ("Here's what I hate about Non-Mormons!"). NOW THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT!

I'm feeling rather lazy today, so I thought I would share one of my favorite letters, as appeared in the Tribune yesterday. Sometimes making a joke isn't even necessary for a laugh - some people's opinions are funny enough:

- - - - - - - - - - (CLICK ON LETTER TO ENLARGE) - - - - - - - - - -

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Overheard by Bullshattuck: Ben Rudolph

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”Yes, I realize the irony of syncing an Apple device with Windows running on a Mac, but lots of people need this. Try not to judge.”

–Ben Rudolph, PR Chief for Parallels - software which allows the iPhone to sync with a Mac running Windows

Study: Bullshattuck Has Sex Because It Feels Good

Thank you, researchers at the University of Texas. If it weren't for you, people would not understand why they're having sex.

A recent study released in the August edition of Archives of Sexual Behavior reveals the groundbreaking notion that "people have sex because it feels good." Researchers had exhaustively compiled a list of over 237 reasons as to why people have sex, but found that 1,549 people - both men and women - agreed that the number one reason for sex was "feeling good."

Wow. The fact that people have sex because it "feels good" is a fact that needed to be discovered?

Cancer shmancer. I don't want Modern Science to find a cure for death-inflicting diseases. I don't want Modern Science to discover a way at softening the blow of Down Syndrome or Autism. I don't want Modern Science to explore new ways at aiding the Human Body and the Human Mind.

I want Modern Science to prove that people have sex because it feels good. Sure, I already know that people have sex because it feels good - but can I PROVE it?

I can't wait until researchers at the University of Texas follow this up with their next discovery:

"Researchers find that people eat dessert because it's yummy"

August 2nd - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck

ZOMBIES

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Donald Rumsfeld, the former U.S. Secretary of Defense, testified before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee yesterday. The Committee questioned Rumsfeld, concerning whether he had been involved in the cover-up of Army Ranger Cpl. Pat Tillman's death.

Many people were surprised to see Rumsfeld testify at all, as many people believed he had returned to his previous residence in Hell after being fired by President Bush in November 2006. Rumsfeld's testimony before the Committee marked the first time in nearly nine months since he had been seen by the public.

Upon finishing his testimony, Rumsfeld was immediately attacked by townspeople with torches and pitchforks, thus dying yet again. It is assumed Rumsfeld will come back to alive a third time, as he is scheduled to deliver a speech at the 'Ethics, War, and You' Conference in Pittsburgh later in the fall.

(editor's note: The 'No More Pitchforks at Hearings' bill is currently making it's way through the Senate.)

-bullshattuck

Breaking News: Bullshattuck Turns Against CNN

Now CNN isn't the only news website I visit online. I wouldn't consider it to necessarily be 'the most trusted name in news.' But when I see BREAKING NEWS such as this:

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I then have to ask why I get any of my news from CNN at all.

Consider the fact that I visted the website around 10:00am - the same time 'The View' is on. Then about 20 minutes later, the homepage for CNN changed, to reflect the BREAKING NEWS that "Whoopi Goldberg introduced as new co-host of ABC's 'The View'"

WHOOPI GOLDBERG IS THE NEW CO-HOST!! BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAGNE!! TELL THE NEIGHBORS!! TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE!! APPLY FOR A NEW CREDIT CARD!! THIS IS BREAKING NEWS!!

No it isn't.

It's as if CNN reported this 'BREAKING NEWS' after learning about it - like the rest of America - on 'The View.' That's not BREAKING NEWS. That's reporting what happened on tv.

And CNN, please - a new co-host on a crappy talk show is BREAKING NEWS? Where was your glowing red BREAKING NEWS banner when Ingmar Bergman, the iconic filmmaker, died? Where was your glowing red BREAKING NEWS banner when Alberto Contador, the Spanish cyclist, won the 2007 Tour de France? Where was your glowing red BREAKING NEWS banner when Pratibha Patil was sworn in as the first woman president in India?

You're welcome to wake me up from my deep slumber of complacency when the BREAKING NEWS includes the death of an important political dignitary, or the announcement that the Iraq War is ending, or the interesting fact that Jesus Christ is coming back next Tuesday. But you DO NOT try to pass the story of Whoopi becoming a co-host as BREAKING NEWS unless SHE MURDERS SOMEONE, RUNS FOR PRESIDENT, AND/OR TURNS OUT TO BE JESUS CHRIST.

Now if you don't mind, I need to finish watching 'The View.'