Dear Editor:
I have it on good authority that the following people are gay. Actually gay. I’m talking shopping at Restoration Hardware, reading Men’s Health for more than just the articles, and understanding that the color ‘egg shell’ shouldn’t be worn after Labor Day. Oh, and having sex with men.
As promised, here is the list of the definitely homosexuals:
John Travolta. Tom Cruise. Ricky Martin. Anderson Cooper. Clay Aiken. And Harvey Fierstein (unconfirmed).
One thing I failed to mention, Editor, is the simple fact that no one know these people are gay.
For that reason, I would appreciate it if you didn’t publish this letter. Or at least not outside of the gay media – where such sensitive information will no doubt be contained.
Thank you.
Ryan Shattuck
Have you heard that? Did you know who? You’re never going to believe it when! Everyone’s been talking about! Can you believe he slept with?
Everyone in the gay community gossips. I don’t mean lot of people. I don’t mean many people. I don’t mean most people. I mean all people. Everyone. Everyone who fills an orifice or allows others to fill their orifice or is simply curious about their own orifice participates in gossip-sharing. Gossiping isn’t as much the gay community’s ‘bread & butter’ as much as it’s the gay community’s ‘bread & tub of ice cream & chocolate syrup & bottle of cabernet sauvignon.’
I realize what some readers may be thinking, “Hey, did you hear that Ryan Shattuck makes blind assumptions? And probably has a heroin addiction?” First off, that rumor is simply not true – I don’t make blind assumptions. But to claim that all gay men are often entertained by the tragic news of others is more than hyperbole, it is an exaggerated statement or claim not meant to be taken literally.
Ok, perhaps such a claim is in fact hyperbole.
Regardless, it isn’t considered a stretch to maintain that gay men have a certain propensity towards sharing information of the scandalous-type with other gay men. It isn’t too embellished of an assumption to suspect that news of a 6.8 earthquake in Colombia or General Petraeus’ report on the Iraq War troop surge doesn’t travel as swiftly during Sunday brunch as does the news that Britney Spears’ performance at the VMAs was actually a dress rehearsal for Miss Whtington’s 3rd grade Thanksgiving Dance Recital. Before I continue, I do realize that while I may accuse other gay men of apportioning equal shares of gossip to all interested parties, I too am guilty of such crimes. I can’t name the Prime Minister of Pakistan (Norm McDonald) or the year the South seceded from the United States (last Tuesday) or even what Soren Kierkegaard the 19th century existentialist philosopher is known for (invented the Zune); yet I could accurately tell you what celebrity has been in rehab in Utah (Lindsay Lohan), who’s having relationship troubles (Brad and Angelina) and who’s just biting at the bit to come out of the closet (see previous list; plus a certain Idaho Republican Senator).
Is outing a celebrity, sharing stories of others’ alcoholism, spreading rumors of presumed affairs, and speculating whether a person is too fat, such a bad thing? One may argue that such gossip and rumors are simply idle talk between friends, and that such conversation harms no one. If anything, the very nature and existence of gossip has supported weekly gossip tabloids over the years – from Broadway Brevities in 1916 to the PerezHilton.com of today – and plays its own part in society. Regardless of the industry gossip has supported, what negative effects, if any, does gossip have on society? As Dr. Ralph Rosnow and Dr. Eric Foster point out in a study for the American Pyschological Association, “…it is often noted that rumor and gossip can also be undeniably aversive and problematic — currently illustrated, for example, in the way that rumor and gossip have generated resistance to medical efforts to deal with HIV and AIDS.”
The spreading of gossip can also have tremendously negative effects when not based in reality. Spreading such false ideas, such as “they have weapons of mass destruction” and “if we don’t fight them there they’ll follow us home” have led us to a war in Iraq, costing hundreds of thousands of lives, and trillions of dollars. It isn’t ludicrous at all to suggest that society would be better off by not making such blind accusations and assumptions about others, when such rumors results in destroyed careers, failed relationships, and to a greater extent, the prolongation of a war.
Is it possible for us in the gay community to decrease our gossip, if for only a week? Perhaps we might learn something of ourselves by, during this next week, attempting to avoid gossiping about others at all costs. Hopefully our conversation isn’t so void of content that all we have to rely on is to share the banalities of others. We might benefit to remember the sage words of Eleanor Roosevelt: “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”
But then again, I also heard that Eleanor Roosevelt is a fat lesbian with a cocaine problem and is having an affair with Kirstie Alley, so I wouldn’t trust anything she says.
Don’t tell anyone.
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