Bullshattuck

Let's Not Talk About Sex

(This article was published in the
October 25th, 2007 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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If for only a moment, let’s forget about our political differences. Let’s set aside partisan social issues. Let’s leave behind our religious bickering. Let us – if for only one column – discuss a topic that causes no argument, encourages no disagreements, and inspires no revolutions.

Let’s talk about sex.

After politics and religion, nothing heats people up like sex. No pun intended. Well, pun intended, but intended to be more tongue in cheek. Well yes, a tongue in cheek, but not of the sexual nature. Ok, perhaps a punny, tongue in cheek comment like “nothing heats people up like sex” is meant to be sexual in nature, but not overtly, and rather meant for the punny, sexy, tonguey nature in which it was first implied and… thus one sees a demonstration of how sticky the topic of sex might be. Sticky? Sex? Also not a pun.

I quit.

People rarely win when discussing the topic of sex. It’s a difficult, awkward topic. Having conceded this point, I’ve already accepted the fact that no one will enjoy this column. I’m already taking great caution to avoid cutting off the Hydra head of Sex, for doing so will undoubtedly and exponentially sprout more heads. As soon as I cut off the Hydra head of Sex, I will then have to battle the three heads that grow in its place: Gay Marriage, Abortion and Wardrobe Malfunctions. We may give Hercules credit for defeating the Lernaean Hydra, but match him against the Topic of Sex and he won’t survive five minutes.

One of the primary reasons the topic of sex is more loaded than Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah, is because of the way it is manipulated by those who lead the political and religious hemispheres. Despite employing different schemes by which to manipulate the very idea of sex, both politics and religion ultimately have an identical end game: to limit the when, where, and with whom sex may be enjoyed. Politics tells the public whom they can and cannot have sex with by passing laws and instituting programs, some of which work and some of which don’t. Religion attempts a similar feat by instilling fear and guilt into those whom it wishes to control. According to religion, if one is not-married, not-straight, or any other related not-variable, sex is not an option. The same goes for Catholic priests, the Junior Anti-Sex League, Morrissey, and Paula Poundstone

Just kidding about the Catholic priest part. Sex it up, you hooligans!

An article in the Salt Lake Tribune earlier this week addresses the awkwardness many people feel regarding sex, by pointing out that parents are having to approach the topic with their children at ages earlier than ever before. The article, “Let’s talk about sex,” mentions the importance of parents being honest with their children instead of skirting around the issue. Says Robie Harris, author of several acclaimed children’s books on sex, “If we answer in the most straightforward, matter-of-fact way … then we create a relationship and a dialogue with our children that continues.”

What is an adult to do though, when feeling constantly overwhelmed by questions about sex, and feeling bombarded by more sex bombs than a Tom Jones single featuring DJ Mousse T? While children have resources such as How You Were Born, A Kid’s First Book About Sex, and something called “their parents,” adults have considerably more resources. Despite the machinations and retrogressive ideologies of such people as Phyllis Schlafly – who actually moonlighted as Mrs. Garrett during seasons three and four of The Facts of Life – people who lack the answers to their questions on sex should seek out the education and services that meet their needs.

A group at the University of Utah, VOX, understands that confusion is the creamy chocolate shell covering the almond nugget of sex, and that college people tend to be more confused when it comes to sex than ordinary people. Vox, whose statewide website is found at www.students4choice.org, is associated with Utah Planned Parenthood and together provide birth control counseling and services, health exams and cancer screenings, pregnancy testing and counseling, sexually transmitted infection testing, community outreach, and many other services. Joseph Richards, Coordinator of Public Affairs for Planned Parenthood, said this of Vox: “Every college student deserves the right to know how to express their sexuality in a healthy manner.”

Discussing sex doesn’t have to be mired in trepidation. Searching for needed education doesn’t have to feel like a very special Blossom. The topic of sex may be a taboo and some may even attempt to control it through religion and politics, but that shouldn’t stop us from finding the answers many of us desperately need.

It might be true that ignorance is bliss. Unfortunately, ignorance also lacks the education it needed, and now has gonorrhea.

U Campus Not Immune to Hatred, Homophobia

(This article was published in the
October 18th, 2007 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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If I may be excused for a small self-indulgence, I’d like to share the following life-affirming poem:

go home faggots
back to your prissy
little pink closets
where you belong,
we’re tired of your
prancing lisspy
candy asses flitting
around the campus!

Not to spoil the ending of the film American Beauty for anyone who hasn’t seen it, but I would be willing to bet all sixty-something albums of Barbra Streisand (I’ll also throw in all sixty-seven of her singles) that the author of this hateful poem is in fact gay himself.

Now this obviously isn’t a poem by anyone who might be mistaken for Katharine Coles, as much as it’s graffiti I found scribbled in a bathroom stall on campus by a very sad and homophobic individual. What does the finding of such offensive graffiti reveal – aside from the fact that “candy asses” has finally found its way into prose? Yes, graffiti is clearly an issue on campus, but even more perilous is the notion that homophobia is now so prevalent, and so intense, that it inspires those who wouldn’t normally know the difference between Emily Dickinson and Emily Dick-In-Some (hint: at least one of these Emilys isn’t a porn star), to inject anti-gay epithets into poetry. What would otherwise be an innocuous bathroom wall, now bursts with poetry consisting of iambic pentameter and hate speech.

Homophobia is real, and it exists in very strong doses throughout Utah. While some in our fine Beehive state continue to hate gay people under the premise that Traditional Conservative Ideals must be preserved – ideals such as ‘encouraging family values,’ ‘building a Christian-based society,’ and ‘beating the crap out of that queer in gym class’ – many of these ideals are unfortunately nothing more than thinly veiled feelings of hate. While I’ve always been one to defend the freedom of religion, I do however draw a line at any religion that commands its members to hate its gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. Despite coming from a good place, such totalitarian extremism reminds one that other people throughout history have also been mislead by fanatical beliefs until they eventually justified hatred, in misguided attempts at taking a moral high ground. People such as Adolf Hitler. Benito Mussolini. Josef Stalin. Donald Trump.

Which isn’t to say that six seasons of ‘The Apprentice’ is as tragic as the systematic homicide of six million Jews. But it’s a close second.

There will always be those who believe that while homophobia does exist, that the eradication of such hatred doesn’t belong in societal dialogue. Perhaps these are the same apathetic people who also believe that abortions should be legal, after a 10-month waiting period. As it turns out, fear of gay men and women are a big deal in society; because of the detrimental effect of homophobia, approximately 20% of all hate crimes committed in the United States are directed at gay men and women. Because of homophobia, homosexual youth are two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight peers. Because of homophobia, homosexual men and women still receive the death penalty in Iran, Mauritania, Nigeria, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Sudan, the United Arab Emirates, Yemen, and some parts of Utah County. Because of homophobia, ‘Brokeback Mountain 2: Jack’s Revenge’ will never play in a Larry Miller theatre.

Not only is homophobia dangerous for gay men and women, but the very existence of such hatred is dangerous for society as a whole. According to a University of Cincinnati study by psychologist Janet Baker, homophobia, anti-Semitism, and racism are “likely companions.” If this is whom homophobia keeps as companions – that of anti-Semitism and racism – then perhaps we might benefit by not inviting homophobia over to our home for a dinner party in the first place. While I haven’t met anti-Semitism or racism personally, I hear that inviting them over for a dinner party is just slightly more appealing than inviting Ron Jeremy.

But only because he always brings over his home videos.

The University of Utah celebrated Pride 2007 this week, an event that simultaneously allowed the LGBT community to commemorate the strides the gay community has made in Utah over the past several decades, while also memorializing those whom we have lost from suicide and fatal diseases. Progress has undoubtedly been made towards eliminating homophobia and hatred, but fake-politicians and fake-celebrities such as Rick Santorum, David Vitter, Isaiah Washington, and Ann Coulter demonstrate that even fake people in positions of fake power still spout hateful ideas about gay men and women. The vitriolic message these people cruelly share with society should remind everyone that homophobia and hatred are alive and well.

Pride Week should be a time for not only gay and lesbian people an opportunity to remember those who came before them, but perhaps this may eventually become a time for everyone to remember what a corrosive mark homophobia – and hatred in general – leaves on society.

Even if it means the downfall of a certain burgeoning poet.

Take Me Out to the Bawl Game

(This article was published in the October 17th, 2007 issue of the QSaltLake, Utah’s Gay & Lesbian News & Entertainment Magazine)

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I’ve been meaning to ask you, John Amaechi. I need to have a word with you, Judith Arndt. Could we sit down and talk, Andrew Goldstein? I know you’re screening your calls but I would appreciate it if you would call me back, J.P. Calderon. I understand you have a restraining order against me but I want to ask a favor of you, Ian Roberts.

Could you all do me a favor and stop being so damn athletic? Thanks.

Seriously, professional gay athletes – you’re making the rest of us look bad. It was difficult enough having to deal with the challenges we faced while we were young, with learning how to survive as a gay student in high school. Many of us hated P.E. and abhorred athletics, and thus found other outlets by which to channel our energy. We joined the theater. We became involved in student government. We developed an affinity for music. We pretended to date women. We understood that as long as we survived the twelve or so years of P.E. classes and peer pressure to be athletic, that we would no longer be pressured into impressing anyone once we became a gay adult.

Wow, were we stupid. Un-athletic and stupid.

Now I certainly don’t wish to imply that all gay men experience the same athletically-challenged childhood, for I’m not naïve enough as to assume that all gay men were as terrible at sports when they were young as I was. I realize that I’m most likely projecting my own personal insecurities, in the futile hope that I wasn’t the only 14-year old queer who – the way the French would at the sight of the Red Baron – would flinch at the sight of an incoming volleyball. I would just simply, if not desperately, like to believe that I wasn’t the only closeted gay high school student who faked having polio to get out of P.E. class.

Setting aside the acceptance of personal blame for my own psychological insecurities (this is after all only a column, and not an autobiography), I can’t help but imagine that other people in the gay community feel similar to myself. I have no problem with gay athletes practicing in the privacy of their own home between consenting adults, but why must they come out of the closet and compete in such public settings? The Gay Games, the World Outgames, the National Republican Softball League; must they be so proud of not being a sissified, flabby non-athlete like myself?

Please, think about the non-athletic children!

Approximately a year ago I went with a group of gay friends to celebrate Independence Day by having a barbecue at a park. Food was present, beer was abundant, gossip was assumed, and then, in a manner reminiscent of Pee Wee Herman in an adult theater in the early nineties, someone pulled out that ticking pigskin time-bomb: a football. Not only was I horrified that someone had brought a football to a gay barbecue, but I was doubly horrified to witness that anyone who happened to not be myself was engaged in a very, let’s say, engaging game of football. I had to ask myself: did I not choose to be gay and sleep with men so that I could avoid this very issue?

With the gay man’s eternal quest for perfection as a backdrop (an eternal quest at least as old as John McCain and at least as successful as his presidential campaign), it must be asked: gay athletes – good for the gay community, bad for our gay psyche? The rationale of course to gay men in sports is that it counters the negative stereotype that all gay men are indistinguishable, and can in fact be as masculinely competitive as our heterosexual counterparts. I recognize and agree with this idea, that gay athletics is a vital fraction of the gay community, a fraction so vital that it reaches across all walks of life until it pulls a hamstring. Gay men are not one-size-too-tight-fits-all. We choose the rainbow to symbolize our community, for the simple fact that the rainbow inherently symbolizes the diversity in people. Gay athletes do a huge service to the gay community by demonstrating that we refuse to fit a stereotype, and don’t need the permission of the straight community to be competitive.

Time has passed since the football-at-the-gay-barbecue incident, and while I’ve thought back on that event, as well as other invitations to play sports (Football? No thank you. Basketball? Not interested. Mini-golf? See you Tuesday), I realize that my own insecurities are not reasons enough to ban gay athletics, as much as I would prefer that happen. Gay athletics are an intrinsic part of the gay community, and unify the gay community in ways that neither sex nor alcohol ever will. Well, at least in a way that sex never well.

I’ll still blame Ian Roberts though for making me look bad.

Our Society Promotes Waste

(This article was published in the
October 4th, 2007 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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The following is a true story about a toilet. Any attempts to engage the reader using "crass potty humor" are intentional, but are not to be shared in mixed company.

I used a public toilet a few days ago. I won't mention where this particular toilet is located to protect the privacy of the individual who occupied the toilet before me (in addition to not actually knowing the identity of the toilet-using individual). Needless to say, when I approached the aforementioned toilet, I found that it was, in fact, filled with enough toilet paper to choke a horse -- assuming a horse, for whatever odd reason, chose to eat a lot of toilet paper. Fortunately, there was a toilet plunger to the side of this toilet. Toilet was plunged, toilet paper (etc.) was flushed, and all was right in the world. It was at this point that I asked myself:

Why do some people use so much toilet paper?

Everyone's been familiar with recycling for decades. The word "recycling" is older than Phyllis Diller, who, as it turns out, is nearly ready to be recycled herself. Many people over the years have trained us how to recycle. Our freshman roommates taught us to not throw away glass bottles but to stack them in our window.

Lagoon taught us to not throw away Coke cans but to bring them in to save 74 cents. Al Gore taught us to not throw away our votes on Ralph Nader but to buy his PowerPoint on DVD years later. Everyone's familiar with recycling. What if, however, we didn't have as much to recycle? What if we didn't waste as much in the first place?

Not much is actually said about consumer waste. It's often recommended that the public reuse and recycle. To suggest, though, that the public actually cut back on consumer waste is to be accused of being just a magenta-shade away from being a communist. "Consuming and wasting is our American God-given right!" we proudly proclaim.

Proposing that the public cut back on consumer waste won't win a politician votes. It won't give a businessman box seats at a Jazz game, and it won't award Main Street USA a lucrative deal to build Wal-Mart in its backyard. This utter disregard for any sense of self-control when it comes to consumer waste is a battle cry drifting through the air. In fact, if one holds up an empty plastic cup from Taco Bell to one's ear and faces the wind, a whisper can almost be heard:

"Indulge, gratify and spoil! Take what you will, it will all be reused in the end! Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow, we can probably recycle our crap (or not, the choice is yours)!"

Everyone knows the United States is No. 1 in the world -- whether we be No. 1 in patriotic independence and civil freedoms or No. 1 in reality shows featuring dancing Joey Fatone. Sadly, the United States also leads the world in most trash produced, at 236 million tons a year or about 4.6 pounds per person each day. At this rate, I throw away my weight's worth in trash every month (or a month and a half during the holidays).

A photographer named Chris Jordan was so interested in the phenomenon of consumer waste that it inspired his most recent collection titled "Running the Numbers: An American Self-Portrait." The series of photographs, which can be viewed online at www.chrisjordan.com, breaks down unfathomable numbers of consumer waste into easy-to-understand, bite-sized images.

It's one thing to hear "two million plastic bottles are used in the U.S. every five minutes." It's quite another to see a picture of the two million plastic bottles.

Being a self-proclaimed technophile, one of the photographs I found of interest was one that depicted the 426,000 cell phones that are retired in the United States every day. I found this photograph of interest, as I've owned nine cell phones in the past five years. Unfortunately, I have no joke to follow the previous candid statement. I've owned nine cell phones in the past five years.

Everyone is entitled to indulge in their own pursuit of happiness, regardless of the path they choose. Is it necessary, however, that the pursuit of such happiness bring with it such a level of Trump-esque overindulgence? Do we really need another cell phone? Must we double-bag that gallon of milk as if it were a set of Russian nesting dolls? Are 100 photocopies of our butt cheeks even necessary?

Recycling is good for the environment, yadda yadda yadda, but perhaps simply having self-control and first reducing our consumer waste might not only be easier to do, but leave a more positive impact on society and the environment.

At the very least, it might leave a positive impact on whoever uses the bathroom stall after us.

Did You Hear That...?

(This article was published in the October 1st, 2007 issue of the QSaltLake, Utah’s Gay & Lesbian News & Entertainment Magazine)

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Dear Editor:

I have it on good authority that the following people are gay. Actually gay. I’m talking shopping at Restoration Hardware, reading Men’s Health for more than just the articles, and understanding that the color ‘egg shell’ shouldn’t be worn after Labor Day. Oh, and having sex with men.

As promised, here is the list of the definitely homosexuals:

John Travolta. Tom Cruise. Ricky Martin. Anderson Cooper. Clay Aiken. And Harvey Fierstein (unconfirmed).

One thing I failed to mention, Editor, is the simple fact that no one know these people are gay.

For that reason, I would appreciate it if you didn’t publish this letter. Or at least not outside of the gay media – where such sensitive information will no doubt be contained.

Thank you.
Ryan Shattuck

Have you heard that? Did you know who? You’re never going to believe it when! Everyone’s been talking about! Can you believe he slept with?

Everyone in the gay community gossips. I don’t mean lot of people. I don’t mean many people. I don’t mean most people. I mean all people. Everyone. Everyone who fills an orifice or allows others to fill their orifice or is simply curious about their own orifice participates in gossip-sharing. Gossiping isn’t as much the gay community’s ‘bread & butter’ as much as it’s the gay community’s ‘bread & tub of ice cream & chocolate syrup & bottle of cabernet sauvignon.’

I realize what some readers may be thinking, “Hey, did you hear that Ryan Shattuck makes blind assumptions? And probably has a heroin addiction?” First off, that rumor is simply not true – I don’t make blind assumptions. But to claim that all gay men are often entertained by the tragic news of others is more than hyperbole, it is an exaggerated statement or claim not meant to be taken literally.

Ok, perhaps such a claim is in fact hyperbole.

Regardless, it isn’t considered a stretch to maintain that gay men have a certain propensity towards sharing information of the scandalous-type with other gay men. It isn’t too embellished of an assumption to suspect that news of a 6.8 earthquake in Colombia or General Petraeus’ report on the Iraq War troop surge doesn’t travel as swiftly during Sunday brunch as does the news that Britney Spears’ performance at the VMAs was actually a dress rehearsal for Miss Whtington’s 3rd grade Thanksgiving Dance Recital. Before I continue, I do realize that while I may accuse other gay men of apportioning equal shares of gossip to all interested parties, I too am guilty of such crimes. I can’t name the Prime Minister of Pakistan (Norm McDonald) or the year the South seceded from the United States (last Tuesday) or even what Soren Kierkegaard the 19th century existentialist philosopher is known for (invented the Zune); yet I could accurately tell you what celebrity has been in rehab in Utah (Lindsay Lohan), who’s having relationship troubles (Brad and Angelina) and who’s just biting at the bit to come out of the closet (see previous list; plus a certain Idaho Republican Senator).

Is outing a celebrity, sharing stories of others’ alcoholism, spreading rumors of presumed affairs, and speculating whether a person is too fat, such a bad thing? One may argue that such gossip and rumors are simply idle talk between friends, and that such conversation harms no one. If anything, the very nature and existence of gossip has supported weekly gossip tabloids over the years – from Broadway Brevities in 1916 to the PerezHilton.com of today – and plays its own part in society. Regardless of the industry gossip has supported, what negative effects, if any, does gossip have on society? As Dr. Ralph Rosnow and Dr. Eric Foster point out in a study for the American Pyschological Association, “…it is often noted that rumor and gossip can also be undeniably aversive and problematic — currently illustrated, for example, in the way that rumor and gossip have generated resistance to medical efforts to deal with HIV and AIDS.”

The spreading of gossip can also have tremendously negative effects when not based in reality. Spreading such false ideas, such as “they have weapons of mass destruction” and “if we don’t fight them there they’ll follow us home” have led us to a war in Iraq, costing hundreds of thousands of lives, and trillions of dollars. It isn’t ludicrous at all to suggest that society would be better off by not making such blind accusations and assumptions about others, when such rumors results in destroyed careers, failed relationships, and to a greater extent, the prolongation of a war.

Is it possible for us in the gay community to decrease our gossip, if for only a week? Perhaps we might learn something of ourselves by, during this next week, attempting to avoid gossiping about others at all costs. Hopefully our conversation isn’t so void of content that all we have to rely on is to share the banalities of others. We might benefit to remember the sage words of Eleanor Roosevelt: “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.”

But then again, I also heard that Eleanor Roosevelt is a fat lesbian with a cocaine problem and is having an affair with Kirstie Alley, so I wouldn’t trust anything she says.

Don’t tell anyone.