Bullshattuck

Return of Stewart and Colbert and Not Bullshattuck

So I suppose I've accepted the fact that during the holidays, I am simply too fat and too lazy to post much to my blog. It's ironic, isn't it: I have more time now that I'm not in school for the next few weeks, and yet having more free time means I don't find time to blog. Go figure.

But in the meanwhile, while you wait for me to find my inspiration again to daily blog...

GOOD NEWS: Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert will be returning to television on January 2nd!

BAD NEWS: But without their writers!

In a joint statement, Stewart and Colbert said:

"We would like to return to work with our writers. If we cannot, we would like to express our ambivalence, but without our writers we are unable to express something as nuanced as ambivalence."

Now you can finally watch someone perform comedy with a gun pointed at their head - the way it's always meant to be.

Still Waiting for Godot

While up on campus this past week, I saw some rather unique 'graffiti' someone had scribbled onto a metal panel.

*Weirdly, I happened to have my camera with me.

*Not weirdly, this reference to Godot happened to be outside the theatre department.

*Even more not weirdly, is that I also happened to be outside the theatre department.

The Liberal Agenda: Week of December 17, 2007

This Week's Liberal Agenda
(Graciously Stolen from Comedy Central):

The Second Richest Gay Mormon After Bruce Bastian

Well not really.

But nevertheless, congratulations to Todd Herzog, the self-proclaimed gay Mormon who won Survivor: China this last weekend.

The most that I - also a gay Mormon - have ever won, is the occasional disapproval of friends and family.

I didn't need to go on TV for my prize.

Business As Usual

I'm finished with finals and I'm finished with my terribly long The Onion application. Therefore, I have no excuse to not return to blogging several times a day. Here are a couple of personal updates/thoughts:

1.) I'm done with the Daily Bullshattuck Guarantee. It was fun while it lasted (not really), and a lot of people participated (um, like one). Honestly though after all is said and done, I shouldn't have to resort to gimmicks to get people to read my blog. Sure, advertisers and tv executives and marketers and researchers and businesspeople and religious leaders and politicians and everyone in between resort to gimmicks in a desperate attempt to peddle their wares (ha! "peddle their wares" sounds dirty), but that doesn't mean I have to.

That, and I'm also tired of Marty Hood's attempts to milk me for all I'm worth.

So no, no more waste-of-time Daily Bullshattuck Guarantee. Read the blog because you enjoy second-rate writing, and not because you're trying to win something from me*

(*speaking of which, a new Bullshattuck contest will be announced soon!)

2.) School - and finals - are finally over for the semester. This must be what they're always describing in those commercials - the fancy act of 'being able to breath.'

3.) As I mentioned, I finally finished - and submitted - my The Onion application. If I'm feeling brave later on, perhaps I'll post my actual application here on Bullshattuck for your reading pleasure/non-pleasure. If anything, I hope I get the job simply because finishing the application took me a really really really long time. We're talking longer than the Iraq War (clarification: longer than the actual war, not longer than how long the war was supposed to be.)

To those of you who responded to my email with edits & critiques, I thank you very much. You pointed out which jokes were funny, and which ones were not. Perhaps I should hire someone to do that full-time for me: point out which of the jokes I've written is funny, and which one's are not. If you'd like a good example of how badly I need someone to do that for me, all you have to do is look at, oh I don't know, my blog. In any case, I'll keep everyone updated on whether The Onion decides to hire me or not. I figure that if God loves me, I'll get this job.

So in other words, I won't get this job.

4.) On an even more personal note, I address the following to just one person:

I understand if you have a small self-esteem. I understand if you have an even smaller penis. For that very reason, they've invented therapy and/or Viagra. Might I advise that you DO invest in therapy and/or Viagra. Might I advise that you DO NOT yell "faggot" at me while I leave the grocery store. It makes sense why you would yell such a derogatory epithet at me - because I'm participating in the very gay act of, oh I don't know, walking. When you yell "faggot" at me from your car window as you drive by,

a.) it offends me and pisses me off, and
b.) it reminds everyone what a speck of dried vomit on human civilization you truly are.

Really. Invest in Viagra. Either that, or electroshock therapy to overcome your latent homosexual desires.

Uncle Mitt's Recipe for Success

(This was published in the December 7th, 2007 issue of the
The Daily Utah Chronicle but for some reason, wasn't published to their website)

---

UNCLE MITT'S RECIPE FOR SUCCESS
(Best Served Warm – and with Nutmeg)

1 cup -- Pro-choice comments from 2002
1 cup -- Pro-life comments from 2007
2 weeks -- NRA membership (or 1/8 tsp, whichever is smaller)
2 cubes -- Melted butter (set this aside; to be used later for hair)
Double -- The size of Guantanamo Bay
1/2 Cup -- Gravitas chips (artificial chips will do)
Dash -- Nutmeg

1. Become elected governor of a liberal state. Simmer for 4 years.
2. Make disparaging comments about that liberal state once you leave office.
3. Let support for the war come to a boil. Set aside your sons from serving in the military themselves.
4. Invoking Reagan, add artificial gravitas chips and beat batter into a frenzy.
5. Bake for 18 months.
6. Top with nutmeg, and serve in Iowa and New Hampshire. Only.

Enjoy!

'The Onion' Decides to (Almost) Hire Bullshattuck

Dear faithful Bullshattuck readers and Marty Hood:

Before you read the rest of this post, please watch the following video:

"Now why," you may ask yourself, "was I asked to watch this video?"

"Because," I tell people who ask themselves questions, "there's a possibility that Bullshattuck may be hired to write for The Onion."

(For those of you whom aren't familiar with The Onion, hang your head in shame and read about The Onion on Wikipedia)

Yep. Approximately two months ago, I naively sent The Onion my resume. Approximately four days ago, they responded by saying they were interested, and would I please fill out this application so that they may consider me as a writer for their Onion News Network.

I have until Wednesday to return my application. Until that time, I'll probably only be blogging once a day or so. But rest assured... there's a small possibility that in the near future, you may be reading an article by Bullshattuck in The Onion.

In the meanwhile, enjoy this video. Courtesy of, well, The Onion.

The Liberal Agenda: Week of December 10, 2007

This Week's Liberal Agenda
(Graciously Stolen from Comedy Central):

Another Guest Post by the Very Talented Marty Hood

Hark the Herald Angels Sing!

The Christmas CD of the year, dare say, the new millenium, has arrived!!!!

Marie Osmond takes 15 Christmas Classics and makes them her own in this instant classic.

I also started reading my Victoria Principal book. I am first focusing on finding 10 minutes of Joy, which is one of her secrets. I found 10 minutes today in helping my friend Ryan keep his blog updated.

And never, never forget. No matter what life throws your way, you can't stop the music.

Avoid the Traffic - Just Like Everyone Else

Will someone please explain this to me?

I don't average that much traffic to my site - which I'm totally fine with. Between 30 and 40 hits a day, no big deal.

Ok, maybe between 20 and 30 hits a day.

Fine! Sheesh. Maybe between 10 and 20 hits a day.

Geez! Leave me alone already. It's between 0 and 0 hits a day. Nobody visits my site. Are you happy now?

In any case, I happened to take a look at my traffic yesterday, and was weirdly surprised to see the following charts for the past 7 days and the past 30 days, respectively:

WHAT THE HELL?!

I figure there must be an explanation for the weird spike in traffic. I figure that one of the following must have occurred on December 7th:

a.) USA Today finally ran that cover story on my website, which they promised to do forever ago.

b.) Word spread that every 30th visitor to my site receives a coupon for a can of minced clams.

c.) Aliens.

d.) Word spread that one of my blog entries from two months ago features a video of gay porn between Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Hillary Clinton.*

e.) People have finally recognized the level of my brilliance
(No, not really. Let's not be that ridiculous).




*I wish. A boy can dream, can't he?