Just Because Cher Is Old, Doesn't Mean She Sucks
March 12th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle.)
As everybody knows, I hate Cher.
I don’t hate her because she’s an Academy, Grammy, and Emmy award winner. I hate her because she’s old – and I pretty much hate the elderly.
Actually no, I really don’t have a problem with Cher. If anything, I hope to see her new show in Las Vegas sometime this summer, and would never admit in public that a remix of ‘Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves’ is part of my workout playlist on my iPod. So no, I don’t hate Cher.
I also don’t hate the elderly, and believe that most people don’t hate the elderly as well. I do however believe that part of the reason that the elderly aren’t hated is because it’s difficult to hate something that’s invisible. While a very small percentage of society may actually abhor the elderly, the percentage of society that disregards their seniors is inestimable. We forget they exist. We don’t know who they are. In a youth-obsessed society, it’s easy to ignore anyone old enough to remember why a 2000’s recession doesn’t compare to a 1930’s depression. Can we blamed? It’s easy for a person to recognize that they are guilty of the sin of murder when they flee from police in a blood-soaked White Ford Bronco (sorry, too soon?), but it’s rather difficult to identify the moment in which they become guilty for the sin of omission.
Simply put, very few people are pushing old ladies down the stairs. But only because no one remembers where the old lady lives.
In a society saturated with naked magazine covers, starlet-obsessed blogs, and blogs about naked magazine covers, is it any surprise that our seniors are being bulldozed so that the Highway of Youth and Beauty may be constructed? “We sincerely do apologize for the inconvenience Mrs. McGillicuddy, and understand that you’ve lived here for over 60 years. But eminent domain allows the information highway to cut through your garden, and neither Entertainment Weekly nor PerezHilton.com can be bothered to go around your house.”
Why is our society perpetually fascinated with eternal youth? Many of us with a Dorian Gray complex (i.e. those who search for the fountain of life; the cast of Designing Women) turn our noses up at anyone who correctly fulfills the AARP’s membership requirement of naming the best episode of Matlock (episode 78, for those keeping score at home). Considering that the elderly are occasionally treated with disrespect by some, one feels prompted to ask: is there a difference between judging some according to their race and judging others according to their age? Saying that John McCain is older than Methuselah – or worse, Larry King – is considered fair game, while saying [inappropriate woman joke] about Hillary Clinton or [inappropriate black joke] about Barack Obama are grounds for getting one fired. Does John McCain have any control over his age, anymore than Hillary Clinton has over her gender or Barack Obama has over his race?
My great-grandmother passed away last year at the age of I-don’t-remember. Like my grandmother, I also believe that the age of 90 is a good time to stop keeping track of one’s age. She was a remarkable woman with an incredible sharp sense of humor (very little of which was passed on to me, as is evident by this column), and visited many countries throughout her amazing lifetime. I consider myself fortunate to have had a close relationship with her, and cherish the memories that I have. At the same time though, I’m ashamed to admit that I was the grandson who visited her whenever my schedule would permit. I most likely spent more time on YouTube just this last week than I spent visiting my great-grandmother in all of 2007. I realize that I can’t rewind time (my flux capacitator is in the shop), but I can’t help but wonder what other relationships with elderly friends and family members I’ve ignored, simply because I was too busy doing other stuff.
Are potential friendships, relationships, employments or other opportunities overlooked with an older individual simply because he or she is old enough to remember the “Cougar” in John Mellencamp? Or old enough to remember a singer-songwriter named “John Mellencamp?” Are the talents and brilliance of older artists, musicians, actors, politicians, and others ignored simply because they’re two or three or seven times older than ourselves? While I don’t plan on voting for John McCain, I recognize that my past jokes about his age (“he’s so old that he remembers when Mr. Clean had an afro”) make me guilty of assuming his age brings senility instead of experience. Our society may be awash with all things youth-oriented, but there’s no reason we can’t respect our seniors for the experience they have over us. I know that if anyone has a long ways to go, it’s myself.
I think maybe I’ll start by going to Las Vegas and seeing Cher.
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