Bullshattuck Chooses Katie Couric's New Successor
I like Katie Couric. Really. Some find her saccharine personality to occasionally (i.e. always) border on the annoying. I on the other hand find her to be charming and delightful, while simultaeously plucky and determined. She's a scrappy orphan in manolos. She's a Norma Rae, but with better legs. She's a never-give-up Hillary Clinton, except with emotions.
It probably broke the hearts of more than just a few people (most of whom are either two, three, or seven times my age) to learn of rumors that Katie, who was America's #1 morning host and is currently America's #3 evening host, may be replaced on the CBS Evening News after this year's presidential election. Replace Katie? What will she do? How will she survive?
Who cares. Let's discuss her potential successors!
The following list, it should be pointed out, is pure speculation. In other words, 100% fact.
(Sponsored by Pfizer: "Yep, we're still making craploads of money, don't worry")
*Condoleeza Rice: It's like getting a man and a woman for the price of one.
*Rosie O'Donnell: As everyone knows, the seventh time hosting a television show is the charm.
*Amy Winehouse: How fun would it be if the evening news was a drinking game? You take a shot every time the anchor herself appears to be drunk!
*Terry Gross: Only because no one actually knows what she looks like.
*Laura Bush: The evening news is already boring enough as it is, so Laura Bush will feel right at home.
*Britney Spears: Let's be honest - you would pay money to hear her stumble her way through the word "Fallujah." Or to see if she even shows up.
*Ann Coulter: Because 'tranny' is 'the new black.' What's that I'm told - Ann Coulter isn't a transexual? I have to be honest, I sometimes confuse "post-op transexuals" with "men in drag."
*Margaret Thatcher: But could anyone stand to even watch her host the news? Sorry, I was told that jokes about 'Margaret Thatcher being ugly' are still funny. I think I've been lied to.
*Heather Mills: Let me just state for the record that she loves the evening news, and is not just marrying it for its money.
*Nancy Pelosi: All the anchor has to do is just sit there and talk, without having to take any type of real action? In that case, she's ready for the job.
*Nancy Grace: The only caveat is that her contract states that she be allowed to discuss at least one celebrity's death per broadcast.
*Miley Cyrus: After conquering music, television, and live concerts, anchoring the evening seems like the next logical step. That is, if you can find a ticket anywhere.
*Arianna Huffington: Sure, you won't understand a single damn word she says, but at least you'll agree with her.
*Angelina Jolie: She's beautiful, she's rich, she donates time and money to countless charities, and now she hosts the evening news. Why? Because you needed another excuse to hate yourself.
*Tyra Banks: You know, the evening news is depressing enough as it is. Let's learn more about the actual news anchor.
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