Bullshattuck

Saving to Stimulate the Economy

(This column was published in the
April 11th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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What do the following three items have in common?

A piggy bank made of granite and filled with a tinier piggy bank made of porcelain and filled with pennies and broken promises.

A copy of Jimmy Buffett's single 'Margaritaville,' autographed by Jesse Ventura for some reason.

A dictionary with a hollowed-out center, so that one may hide trinkets such as tiny porcelain piggy banks and well-worn DVDs of "Snakes on a Plane."

The answer? They can all be purchased with my economic stimulus check!

Two months ago, the House and the Senate, in a rare move of relative bipartisanship -- a level of cooperation that hasn't been witnessed since the World Trade Center attacks of 2001 or the Janet Jackson nipple attack of 2004 -- passed the Economic Stimulus Act of 2008 in an attempt to bolster the U.S. economy.

Thanks to this stimulus package, tax-paying Americans (Wesley Snipes and Al Capone, you can skip this part) will receive anywhere from $300 to $1,200, depending on such variables as income status, number of children and children's income status.

Although it's doubtful whether this economic stimulus check will do much to stave off the recession in which we already find ourselves, the checks are intended to serve just one purpose. To be saved in a college fund? To pay off credit card bills? To be invested in Ashley Dupré's five-diamond musical career? What exactly do the House and the Senate prefer that we do with our stimulus checks?

Spend the money!

Spend the money!

Spend the money!

It doesn't take a financial expert like Jim Cramer (can I get an amen, Bear Stearns stockholders!) to understand that money invested in the economy gets a lot more mileage than money invested underneath one's mattress.

Most Americans are more than willing to support their country by spending money, even if it means they have to make such painful sacrifices as buying iPods or new cell phones.

Nevertheless, the new stimulus checks beg the question: How many of us will actually invest our stimulus checks in savings? This also begs the question: What percent of Americans actually have any type of savings in the first place? Further more, this also begs the question: Why are questions always begging, and why can't these lazy questions just get a job?

Because my savings account -- which consists of $Less Than Five Bucks.00 -- plants me firmly in the same demographic as the majority of America, I can't help but wonder: Why are such small numbers of us investing in savings? Considering that 78.5 percent of the U.S. is Christian, it might be argued that more Americans believe in a Rapture or a Second Coming than they believe in saving for a rainy day.

What would Jesus do? According to national trends, even omnipotent beings would rather spend than save.

Why are such small numbers of Americans putting more money into a savings account than into a cash register? Saving money might not be as sexy as a vacation, a new car or a $4,300 prostitute, but in a financial crisis a person shouldn't expect to find comfort in a vacation, a new car or a $4,300 prostitute (unless of course, the prostitute has a heart of gold).

Has our want-it-now-need-it-now society driven us to such a point that we've become so financially irresponsible that any small financial hiccup is likely to give us financial cancer? Do too many of us believe that it doesn't matter how we live and spend today, because the sun will come out tomorrow?

If I learned anything from that red-haired orphan, it's that one doesn't need to worry for one's future, for "Daddy" Warbucks will fix everything in the end.

OK, bad example.

Although it might seem pointless to ask questions in retrospect -- What if the South had won the Civil War? What if John F. Kennedy hadn't been assassinated? What if Keith Richards could remember any part of the '8os? -- it nevertheless can provide us with a historical reference point from which we might base our future decisions.

Would larger percentages of savings from yesterday have played any part in the financial crisis of today? Hopefully we've learned by now that although recessions might be unavoidable, any sort of savings can at least soften the blow.

I'm clearly not a financial expert. The extent of my financial advice consists of "Don't spell your name wrong on your own checks." Regardless, common sense dictates that saving more and spending less, while painful, will be beneficial in the long run. I haven't decided yet how I'll use my stimulus check, but I'm definitely going to use it on something responsible.

Like a copy of Margaritaville. And only if it's signed by Jesse Ventura.

Fidel Castro Finds a New Career

Fidel Castro, the leader of Cuba from 1959 to 2008, announced in the state-run newspaper Granma that he would be stepping down as president. After a long and legendary - but controversial - career as First Secretary of the Communist Party of Cuba and then later as President, Castro had a relationship over the past five decades that was, at best, tumultuous.

At the age of 81, he announced that immediately following his retirement as president, he would begin his new career as a model for Adidas, as seen here:

Barack Obama Beats Non-Hillary Clinton to Win Grammy

I didn't get a chance to watch the Grammys last night. I was too busy, well, not watching the Grammys. I can't necessarily say that I was all fired up for watching someone sing from rehab - about not wanting to go to rehab - and win an award for it. And without even a hint of irony.

I did however, enjoy learning this:

Also earning a Grammy was Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama, who defeated two presidents -- Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter -- to take home the award for best spoken-word album. Obama won for his book, "The Audacity Of Hope: Thoughts On Reclaiming The American Dream."

You won a Grammy for the audio version of your book - you're on your way to becoming president, Barack Obama! After all, look at how well it worked for Al Gore after he won his Oscar!

Oh wait. Never mind.

November 30th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck

DAREDEVIL

America's daredevil, Evel Knievel, died today at the age of 69. The famous daredevil and stunt man - who gained infamy during the 1970's for jumping his motorcycle over everything from Greyhound buses to the fountains at Caesar's Palace - died from complication related to diabetes and pulmonary fibrosis. Known as "America's Legendary Daredevil," he was known around the world for his spectacular stunts and his red, white and blue-spangled jumpsuit.

In honor of his memory, his coffin will be shot out of a cannon and through a hoop of fire.

-bullshattuck

Daly the Scab

Carson Daly about to defy writers strike, according to the Associated Press.

Responded the Writers Guild of America,

"The Writers Guild of America, East joins our colleagues of the Writers Guild of America, West in expressing our profound disappointment with Carson Daly's decision to return to work . . . We thank them [other late-night talk show hosts] and hope that Mr. Daly will reconsider his decision, including the soliciting of scab writers to provide material for his program."

Honestly, do we need another reason to hate Carson Daly?

The Masochist

(This article was published in the
November 16th, 2007 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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FADE IN:

EXT. A LAWN, TWO YEARS AGO -- MORNING

The year is 2005, the month is November, the mood is somber. The two victims descend from the plane, unaware of the fates already awaiting those of their brethren. Upon being removed from their cages, strange men lift the two victims into the air, so that they might be exhibited before the crowd for judgment.

The Man approaches, a man known to employ torture and haphazardly send innocent men to their deaths. He laughs in the face of danger, and scoffs in the presence of Habeas Corpus. Altering his face into an ironic contortion of compassion and discomfort, President George W. Bush pardons the lives of Marshmallow and Yam, exiling them to live the rest of their lives at Disneyland.

CUT TO:

RYAN SHATTUCK (V.O.)
Some people argue that President Bush shows no forgiveness; I argue that maybe such people would be easier to forgive if they tried being Scooter Libby and/or a turkey.

FADE OUT:

Now I don’t belong to the Writers Guild of America – and not just because my membership application has been turned down the same number of times as there are days in the week (i.e. ten). My screenwriting skills fall somewhere between my ‘performing neurosurgery’ skills and my ‘going through menstruation’ skills. In moments like this, I realize why it’s best to stick to what I know – writing loosely researched, unfounded, biased columns – and leave such scriptwriting to the professionals.

For those who haven’t been following the recent writers’ strike due to the fact that they’ve been too busy watching reruns (and without even a sense of irony), the Writers Guild of America has been on strike since November 5th against the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers. While the strike concerns a number of issues, it primarily revolves around that of DVD residuals and “new media.” The “new media” in this case is that uncharted wilderness referred to as, and excuse me for mispronouncing this, the “internet.” In short, the rest of the world has graduated from MySpace to Facebook, and yet Hollywood executives and producers are still trying to figure out how the tubes of the internet work

And of course, how to turn it into a profitable sequel.

It’s been interesting to observe how America has, for the most part, supported the striking writers. It’s easy to hate Hollywood – and the square states do so with more zesty fervor than do the jagged states – and yet many talk about the strike as if it were of David versus Goliath proportions. It’s easy to see why though, for most people prefer that Little Hollywood triumphs over Big Hollywood. If anything, it’s why people always cheer when Danny DeVito kills Arnold Schwarzenegger in the battle scene in Twins.

But let’s wait just a red hot imagine-a-future-without-a-proper-Scrubs¬-series-finale minute!

Do the writers actually have a point? Isn’t this still Hollywood – where one group of Hollywood people is fighting another group of Hollywood people, in an attempt to take money from the second group of Hollywood people and give it to the first group of Hollywood people? Does this incestuous relationship and exchanging of hands have any reflection on real life? On the one hand I wholeheartedly support the striking writers and, having always secretly wanted to be a TV writer myself, genuinely do feel empathetic. On the other hand however, I find myself more removed and detached from the entire situation than the last five years in the life of Barbara Walters.

When striking writer Zoe Green, who recently sold her first pilot, says “This will be very tough for me personally, but I 100% support our cause. I’m going to be struggling on $6,000 until this ends,” I find myself battling back the tears. It pains me to know that poor Zoe is only getting by on what would pay a year’s worth of my rent. When one considers that writers only earn 0.3% of DVD residuals, a $100 million dollars in DVD sales is still $300,000 in a writer’s pocket – more than double the income of the average American. We want the writers to win – and if there’s a TV-loving God they will – and yet it might do us some good to look at the writers strike with some actual perspective.

I love television, I love writing, and I love comedy. In this time of year though – especially with Thanksgiving being around the corner, I think it might do me some good to take just one day and take a break from “what can I do to get more money” and instead remember “what do I have to be thankful for.”

I also hear a great Thanksgiving family special is on TV. Or at least it would be, if the WGA would let me finish “The Pardon of Marshmallow and Yam.”

November 13th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck

BROADWAY

Mayor Michael Bloomberg of New York City, offered to meet yesterday with striking Broadway stagehands in an attempt to reconcile their picketing against Broadway producers over work rules and staffing requirements. The strike, which is now entering its fourth day, has shut down most Broadway shows ranging from The Phantom of the Opera and Hairspray to Wicked and Mamma Mia!

While most would agree that strike should be resolved quickly and amicably, some of questioned the timing of the stagehand strike and speculated that the stagehand strike was an attempt to upstage the current strike by the Writers Guild of America.

In unrelated news, Liza Minnelli recently started a strike against something.

-bullshattuck

November 12th - Whats New(s) With Bullshattuck

KATIE

It was recently announced that as many as 500 writers for CBS News could soon be striking, in addition to the thousands of other strikers who have been on the picket lines for a week now.

According to the Associated Press, "the writers, employees of CBS News television and radio, are expected to overwhelmingly approve a strike authorization."

Upon hearing the news that the people responsible for writing her nightly newscast would soon be striking, Katie Couric selflessly announced that she would cover the void left by her writers - with her massive mouth.

-bullshattuck

Bullshattuck Supports the Writers Guild of America

BULLSHATTUCK'S OFFICIAL STATEMENT ON THE WRITERS GUILD OF AMERICA'S STRIKE

As a not-very-good writer, I empathize with the 12,000 writers who always seem to be on the short end of a getting-the-shaft stick, and agree with the Writers Guild of America's decision to strike. The production companies are being uncharacterisitically greedy, and I strongly believe that writers should be paid much more - they are after all, the flesh and blood and pen juice of most television shows that use words. Said striking writer Zoe Green, who recently sold her first pilot, "This will be very tough for me personally, but I 100 percent support our cause. I'm going to be struggling on $6,000 until this ends." Writers are being forced to survive off a mere $6,000?! What do the production companies think they are - animals? Animals who write television shows? I totally know where Zoe Green's coming from - a mere $6,000 is only a year's worth of my rent. Barbaric!

The strike has been supported by several celebrities and comedians - including Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Tina Fey, Jon Stewart, Jay Leno, and Ellen DeGeneres among many others - and anything a celebrity supports, I support (i.e. scientology, 2-day work days, free-range hedonism, etc).

As a sign of my solidarity, I would like to announce that I, Ryan "Bullshattuck" Shattuck, will no longer write for television until the writers' strike ends. Sure, some may argue that I've "never actually written for television" and "Hollywood wouldn't hire Bullshattuck if he personally offered a prostitute carrying a plastic baggie of cocaine in her gold-plated teeth to every producer available." Regardless, my sign of solidarity does not make or accept excuses.

These writers need my help - and by my choosing to not write for television until the strike ends, I'm directly helping them in their efforts. It's the same principle, if you will, to the way your mother would tell you when you were young to eat your vegetables because children in Africa are starving. CAUSE: I stop writing for television (even if I never technically "started") - EFFECT: writers in Hollywood receive my help. CAUSE: You eat your vegetables in the United States - EFFECT: children in Africa no longer starve. Which is how the cause-and-effect principle works.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to excuse myself as there are some reruns on television that need my watching. They're not going to watch themselvs.

Hate: A Disease Worth Fighting

(This article was published in the
September 27th, 2007 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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As British actor Michael Caine once said, "There are only two things I hate in this world. People who are intolerant of other people's cultures, and the Dutch."

To be fair, I don't know which I hate more: people who are intolerant of Michael Caine or the British.

There are several people whom I strongly dislike. There are the people at my bank who aren't empathetic to the fact that just because I wrote out a check today, doesn't mean I need it to go through today. There's my landlord who wants his rent on -- stop me if this sounds ridiculous -- a timely basis. And then there are the people in the Financial Aid office who hold more power over my financial aid than God holds over, well, anything.

These people make my life more difficult. These people do not have independent lives and goals and dreams -- their one aspiration is to make my life more difficult. I strongly dislike these people. Should I go as far as to say, however, that such people conjure in me feelings of actual hatred?

There's a noxious poison disseminating across America, surreptitiously entering society the same way a Chris-Hansen-phobe might infiltrate a home on To Catch A Ratings Bonanza During Sweeps Week. Hatred, which previously had been reserved for those who might have morally wronged us, is now being employed as a national pastime against those who are merely different from us. Political pundits are allowed to call Muslims "towel heads" and "terrorists" under the guise of "patriotism" and "eschewing any tolerance of non-Caucasians." The word "faggot" has been used by everyone from Ann Coulter and Jerry Lewis to Isaiah Washington and people with self-esteem envy. While society dictates that Michael Richards be castigated for his unpardonable sins, the same society waters down its rage over the Jena six with a Big Gulp of apathy.

Isn't hatred for minorities justified? After all, isn't it their fault they aren't Caucasian middle-class heterosexual Christians like the rest of us? Or at the very least, the always entertaining RuPaul?

Consider the fact that, in 2005, the FBI reported that of 3,919 violent incidents motivated by race, 2,630 of these attacks were against African-Americans, as opposed to the 828 attacks against Caucasians. Of the 1,017 violent incidents motivated by sexual orientation, 971 of the attacks were against homosexual men and women, while 21 of the attacks were against heterosexual men and women. It then makes sense why some people feel hate crime laws are unnecessary, as they claim that the protection of such people is "institutionalized discrimination" and "special protection."

Of course. Who doesn't consider "not having the crap beat out of you" to be a "special protection"?

While overt hatred towards racial and sexual minorities is still rampant in some parts of society, a less understood and infrequently mentioned hatred is one of which I am guilty. I hate particular political figures and, specifically, particular political parties. While I hesitate to label myself as a Republican, Independent or Democrat (although considering the stances I take on most issues, it's clear that I prefer any political party that employs an ass as its mascot), I often find myself in that group of people that applauds the gaffes of George W. Bush and celebrate the faux pas of his conservative contemporaries. Am I any better? Can I hypocritically accuse fellow writers of being un-American for claiming that Democrats hate America, while I myself hate the very people that make such incorrect claims?

A popular radio program hosted by Ira Glass, "This American Life," recently featured the story of Sam Slaven, an Iraq War veteran who returned with strong feelings of hate and anger toward Muslims. To counter the feelings of hatred that resulted from his post-traumatic stress disorder, he took the brave step of joining the Muslim Student Association at his university, ultimately forming a life-changing friendship with a Muslim student. His story invites the interesting question: What if we were to actually communicate with those whom we supposedly hate? If we have an aversion to guns, perhaps, it might benefit us to attend the NRA. If we dislike gay people, perhaps we might learn more by attending a gay organization. If we don't understand Muslims, perhaps we might join a Muslim student group. If we aren't fond of President Bush, perhaps we might converse with most of Utah.

Hatred for blacks, Republicans, Muslims, gays, Democrats, Indians, women, Republicans, Mormons, lesbians and many others is alive and well. Just because hatred for something or someone exists doesn't mean it will go away -- look at Neil Diamond. That doesn't mean, however, that we can't eradicate such hatred by simply communicating with others. To consider ourselves American is to recognize that the American Dream applies to everyone -- therefore hatred is un-American.

If we have nothing to fear, we have no one to hate. As William Shakespeare once wrote, "In time we hate that which we often fear."

I really hope he wasn't British.