Bullshattuck

The Longest Seven Days in America

The current headline on the Huffington Post, in large red block letters, reads simply the following: SEVEN DAYS. Intrigued, I clicked on the headline, only to learn that the SEVEN DAYS refers to…

a.) The number of days that remain on Earth until the Middle East finally self-combusts?

b.) Or the number of days that remain until the entire human population is destroyed by an asteroid the size of a very large asteroid?

c.) Or the number of days that remain until an awkwardly large percentage of society comes together in a nation-wide mass suicide, due to the second place finish of David Archuleta?

Of course not. Let's not be mostly ridiculous. The SEVEN DAYS on the Huffington Post refers to the number of days remaining until the Democratic primaries are officially over.

And if you think you're hearing legions of angels singing the "Hallelujah" chorus, you are correct.

While Hillary will most stay likely stay in the race until Arbor Day 2009 (or until all the trees disappear from the planet, whatever occurs first), the fact that the Democratic primaries are over in only a week is kind of a big milestone. Now true, the primaries occur once every four years, and in theory the ending of the primaries shouldn't be a big deal. But like that one Christmas in 1986 which you spent with your annoying in-laws, this particular year seems much longer than most years

I have to admit that with the primaries over, I feel a little bit of loss. Sure, now that the primaries are over we can move on to a little something called "the general election." Nevertheless, I don't know if I'm quite ready for them to be over yet. They're like an inappropriate alcoholic uncle who visits twice a year… we're not necessarily fond of him, but we'll undoubtedly cry at his funeral. I feel as though I grew up with the primaries, which isn't that big of a stretch considering that the current primary began while Larry King was going through puberty.

I'm going to miss the 9/11 days of Rudy "9/11" Giuliani. I'm going to miss comparing Dennis and Elizabeth Kucinich to Gollum and Mrs. Way Too Hot for Gollum. I'm going to miss Mike Huckabee's hidden Christmas card cross, Mike Gravel's presidential candidacy announcement video/art student project, Chris Dodd's chance in hell, and Ron Paul's enthusiastic supporters (only half of whom have actually claim to have been abducted by aliens).

It's now down to Barack Obama and John McCain. While most Americans are happy to have the primaries over, I will publicly and embarrassingly admit that I'll miss the circus that has been the primaries. I know I'm in the minority, but like that inappropriate alcoholic uncle, I'm just not sure that I'm ready for the primaries to die yet.

Wait, what's that? There's been ANOTHER kerfuffle concerning Hillary and supposed politically incorrect comments about assasination?

I changed my mind. I was ready for these SEVEN DAYS to be over yesterday.

California and Massachusetts are Totally Getting Gay Married

Earlier today, the California Supreme Court struck down California’s ban on same-sex marriage, a ban that had existed since a voter referendum in 2000.

Why does this matter, especially for non-homosexuals who live in non-California? As San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom pointed out, “It’s a throwaway line, but I think it’s true: As California goes, so goes the nation.”

As California goes, so goes the nation.

IT’S TIME FOR A GAY MARRIAGE POP QUIZ!

QUESTION ONE:

Will gay marriage play a roll in the 2008 presidential elections, the same way it did in 2004?

________________________________

QUESTION TWO:

How will the presidential candidates respond to the California Supreme Court’s decision?

________________________________

BONUS QUESTION:

If the nation follows California, and the presidential candidates follow the nation, and the media follows the presidential candidates, and political bloggers follow the media, and California allows gay-marriage, and Elton John is gay-married, then which of the following statements are true:

a.) All political bloggers are actually Elton John.

b.) Dennis Kucinich’s wife is still way too hot for him.

It's a Small World After All

Several years ago, I read a book about the ‘evils’ of the Walt Disney Company. I don’t necessarily remember the basic tenets of the book, but it ranged from such claims as the benign (the Disney company doesn’t treat its employees very well) to the absurd (the Disney company is actually a cult). How preposterous! How ridiculous! The Disney Company isn’t evil! It’s not as if, sometime in the 90’s, the Disney Company actually went and built a town in Florida, complete with its own zip code!

Oh wait. Never mind.

Big deal. So a few people are such fanatics of All Things Disney that they actually move to a town designed by the Disney Company. Good riddance, I say. As far as I’m concerned, people who are such fanatics of any one idea or company or person should have every right to move to a town of like-minded people. Besides, it’s not as if any of the current presidential candidates’ supporters are such fanatics that they’re actually designing in town in Texas that was inspired by their candidate!

Oh wait. Never mind.

The world just recently learned about Paulville, Texas – a town being designed and built by Ron Paul supporters (I should probably stop referring to them as Ron Paul “fanatics,” as I’m too young to die). The town will consist of 500 acres of “freedom and liberty lovers” and will give citizens “the right to wield semi-automatic weapons and the abolition of income tax.” All one needs to in order to become a citizen of Paulville, aside from being crazier than a box of crazy people, is to be a huge huge huge supporter of Ron Paul and really really really love freedom and liberty.

That’s what’s great about the United States – we have the freedom to choose where to live:

If you’re crazy about Disney, you can live in Celebration, Florida.

If you’re crazy about Ron Paul, you can live in Paulville, Texas.

If you’re just plain crazy, you can live in a mental institution. Or in Celebration or in Paulville.

Til the End of Time

So Hillary Clinton took Indiana in the primaries last night. Big deal. As everyone knows, she plans on staying in the race for a very long time. Not until June. Not until the convention. But forever. Hillary Clinton is going to stay in the race forever.

Will she go down in history as the first president to be female? No. She will go down in history as the first presidential candidate to achieve immortality.

Like everyone else under the age of – let’s be honest – 93, I’m pretty burned out by this entire race. Several months ago, I would have enjoyed watching the primary returns on CNN. Last night however, instead of watching the returns for Indiana and North Carolina, I thought I would have a movie marathon instead. I just need to do something that has nothing to do with politics whatsoever. A movie marathon should get my mind off this never ending race!

The following is a list of some of the movies I ended up watching, trying to get my mind off the race and Hillary Clinton in particular:

• Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, the 2003 movie about a cyborg who just can’t seem to die or go away.

• Interview with a Vampire, the 1994 movie about a vampire who just can’t seem to die or go away.

• Nightmare on Elm Street, the 1984 movie about a serial killer who just can’t seem to die or go away.

• I then decided to take a break and play my favorite computer game, Wherein the World is Carmen Sandiego?, a game about an international thief who just can’t seem to die or go away.

Dammit. Mission not accomplished.

You Might Be a Super Delegate If...

Barack Obama says on Meet the Press that Hillary Clinton most likely will stay in the race until the end. As of today, the Democratic primary has now lasted approximately 1,342 weeks. What is America to do?

Well fear not, you 72 million registered Democrats (give or take a few million) out there. I have a solution. Consider the following:

FACT: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are currently in a statistical tie.

FACT: The only way Barack can offer the final blow OR Hillary can pull ahead is for the super delegates to announce for whom they are voting.

FACT: For some reason, many super delegates across the U.S. have still not announced who they are supporting.

THEREFORE: Most of the super delegates are not aware that they are a super delegate.

It’s simple! Once you know you’re a super delegate… you’ll announce your support for either candidate… and then the greatest debate of all time in the history of time and space will come to an end. But how exactly is a person to whether they’re a super delegate?

YOU MIGHT BE A SUPER DELEGATE IF:

1. You inexplicably feel a large sense of power and responsibility whenever you watch CSPAN.

2. You’re having dinner at Red Lobster, and Ted Kennedy’s paying.

3. You giggle whenever you overhear someone say “I sure wish the super delegates would just decide already.”

4. Oprah sends you a brand new car – and even pays the taxes on it.

5. You wake up with a hangover, after doing shots with Hillary the night before.

6. Barack stops by Burger King while you’re working the evening shift, and tells you he’s so concerned that you only make minimum wage that it keeps him awake at night.

7. You’ve been fake-interviewed by a Daily Show correspondent. Twice.

8. Chelsea asks you if she can put you in her ‘top 8 friends,’ despite the fact that no one uses MySpace anymore.

9. You suddenly starting using words like “gravitas” and “more important than everyone else I know” when describing yourself in an online personal ad.

10. You’re a Nobel Peace Prize winning, Academy Award winning, former vice-president.

The Long Island Iced Tea - A Tribute

Today is the last day, in the great state of Utah, where a person may order a Long Island Iced Tea. As of tomorrow, May 5th, yet another of Utah's totally non-quirky liquor laws will become a reality.

As we bid adieu to the dash of cola, 1 oz. lemon juice, 1 oz. rum, 1 oz. tequila, 1 oz. gin, and 1 oz. vodka concoction of wonder and mirth (shake and add lemon wedge) - a concoction which has caused many a person to make many a drunken phone call - may we bow our heads in silence at the passing of such a great friend.

A somber time such as this calls to mind the following immortal poem:

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out - because i was not a Trade Unionist.

Then the Utah lawmakers came for the Long Island Iced Tea, and I did not speak out - because I was not a Long Island Iced Tea.

Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak for me.

May liquor-fearing Republican Utah lawmakers be cursed in your named, Long Island Iced Tea. Utah will miss you.

Amen.

Ron Paul Followers Do Not Believe in Using Hyperbole

With all the commotion surrounding Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama (and if you squint just right, John McCain as well), it’s easy for some people to forget that Ron Paul is still running for the president of the United States. Of course by “some people,” I mean “those people who aren’t part of the Ron Paul Revolution.”

And of course by “those people who aren’t part of the Ron Paul Revolution,” I mean “pretty much everybody.”

Ron Paul released his new book yesterday, The Revolution: A Manifesto. For those who don’t plan on voting for Ron Paul, this was simply a new book. For those who do plan on voting for Ron Paul, this book is more groundbreakingly historical than a copy of the Bible handwritten by Jesus himself, complete with a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s chocolate factory wedged between the Old and New Testaments.

To Ron Paul supporters, this is no ordinary book – this is the book to end all books.

Hyperbole is an Eliot Spitzer prostitute – they’re both cheap and easy (minus the cheap part). Therefore, instead of believing my hyperbole concerning Ron Paul’s infallible book, consider the following real comments left on Amazon.com:

That's right. You read correctly.

1. “Ron Paul + Jesse Ventura = Critical Mass”

2. “If this book does not save our liberties, what will?”

3. “The most important writing since Patrick Henry’s ‘Common Sense’”

4. “Ultimate Survival kit for seekers of liberty: The Bible & The Revolution: A Manifesto”

5. “Perhaps we can still save our country, by Warpy McDuckard”

Warpy McDuckard. Warpy McDuckard. Someone believes we can still save our country, and that person is Warpy McDuckard.

And my favorite…

Ron Paul More Important than the Second Coming of Christ?

You have to at least give them credit for asking this in the form of a question, and not just assuming.

So there you have it. People who review Ron Paul's new book do believe in hyperbole, and are a lot more normal than the media would have us believe.

On an absolutely, completely unrelated note, ‘The Secret’ is still on sale on Amazon.

Google Searches that Led You to Bullshattuck, March & April 2008

Happy Hairstylist Appreciation Day! For those of you not in the know (i.e. everybody alive), today is officially Hairstylist Appreciation Day! I know, right? I didn't know it was Hairstylist Appreciation Day either, until I found out it was! So go get your haircut! Go appreciate your hairstylist! After all... Hairstylist Appreciation Day only comes around once a year, unlike some of the Jewish holidays.

Seriously, aren't Yom Kippur and Rosh Hashanah like seven times a year?

Today is also the last day of April. Where did the month go? I'm guessing it probably went with months January, February, and March, although let's not be all scientific about it. The point is, time mostly moves forward, and tomorrow most likely is May. Therefore, it's time to present:

GOOGLE SEARCHES THAT LED YOU TO BULLSHATTUCK IN MARCH & APRIL 2008

Because I didn't post the "Google Searches that Led You to Bullshattuck" list in March, I'll make sure that April is a double edition! That's twice as much!

• ryan shattuck bull shattuck (this seems pretty obvious)
• horseshoing joke (I don't know how the joke goes, but I'm sure it's inappropriate)
• 2008 oscars movie tribute
• oscars, reviews, 2008
• republicans in hollywood video (#1 hit!)
• clinton shattuck (apparently I married Bill, but kept my maiden name)
• Gay Mormon (this isn't the first search to bring visitors to my site - weird)
• "repairyourbadcredit.com" rip off (using Google in Russian, no less)
• Gay Mormon
• what does the talisman monkey and bull mean in spiritualism (#1 hit!)
• "he's so old" jokes
• "ryan shattuck" (knowing that people google me makes me kind of nervous)
• pennies attak by girls
• Do gay guys go to heaven (if you have to ask, you don't need to know - and no, they don't)
• what do you get a 45 year old man for his birthday (I repeat: if you have to ask, you don't need to know)
• Andy Warhol asexual
• salt lake city ryan blog cher
• i received your message on my birthday (using Google in Filipino)
• Chris Buttars Utah
• hillary clinton's lucky charms
• example of my speech for my birthday (using Google in Hawaiian - how multicultural of me)
• marie osmond
• rmwarnick profile
• "Eating Out 2" (I hate this movie, so I'm mad a Google search leads people to my site)
• Chris Butters utah controversy (seriously, people are still looking this up?)
• regal seagull
• bullshattuck (again, this seems obvious)
• announcing a new brand

Further Proof that Barack is a Mac & Hillary is a PC

FACT: Apple just debuted a new commercial over the weekend for the iPod, featuring the song "Shut Up and Let Me Go."

FACT: Barack Obama continues to distance himself from the comments Reverend Jeremiah Wright made over the weekend.

Coincidence?

Announcing the Launch of Utah's Brand New #1 News Source

Dear friends, family, visitors to Bullshattuck, and whomever doesn't fit in that category (like my acupuncturist):

If you live in Utah, you know that your news choices consist of Something Tribune, and Deseret Something. Don't you deserve more? Should there not be more, and better, choices for news? Why can't there exist a news source which just so happens to be written by a team of 10 humor writers, a.k.a. respectable journalists? And what exactly is this project that Ryan's been working on these past few months? As some of you know:

*I almost got a job writing for The Onion. But didn't.
*I almost got a job writing for the Associated Press. But didn't.
*I almost had a publisher give me the green light for my book. But didn't.

What do I do when life hands me "no" and "we're not interested?" Simple - I make lemonade. Rejection makes me kind of thirsty.

Therefore, it gives me great pleasure to announce the launch of my newest lemonade... The Regal Seagull: Utah's Brand New #1 News Source. You're welcome.

A team of 10 humor writers, a.k.a. respectable journalists, plumb the depths of the Utah news world in order to bring you the news that actually matters. Consider the following stories, which appear in our first issue:

*"Idaho can't find identity, petitions federal government to become 'North Utah'"
*"Las Vegas loses title of 'Sin City' to West Jordan"
*"Utah to build giant fence to end illegal bird migration"
*"Guy in Ogden disappointed he never auditioned for Everwood"
*...and other hard hitting news stories

Do you think these important stories would ever appear in the Salt Lake Tribune or the Deseret Whatever It's Called? Absolutely not. They may have clout and self-respect, but we have determination and moxie.

So go ahead, visit The Regal Seagull. Link to The Regal Seagull. Tell people about The Regal Seagull. Become part of the 60 million Utah residents who have learned to trust The Regal Seagull for all their newsy needs.

Someone needs to plumb the Utah news world. Let The Regal Seagull be your news plumber.

Thank you, friends and family. And my acupuncturist.

regally seagully yours,
RYAN SHATTUCK