Bullshattuck

California and Massachusetts are Totally Getting Gay Married

Earlier today, the California Supreme Court struck down California’s ban on same-sex marriage, a ban that had existed since a voter referendum in 2000.

Why does this matter, especially for non-homosexuals who live in non-California? As San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom pointed out, “It’s a throwaway line, but I think it’s true: As California goes, so goes the nation.”

As California goes, so goes the nation.

IT’S TIME FOR A GAY MARRIAGE POP QUIZ!

QUESTION ONE:

Will gay marriage play a roll in the 2008 presidential elections, the same way it did in 2004?

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QUESTION TWO:

How will the presidential candidates respond to the California Supreme Court’s decision?

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BONUS QUESTION:

If the nation follows California, and the presidential candidates follow the nation, and the media follows the presidential candidates, and political bloggers follow the media, and California allows gay-marriage, and Elton John is gay-married, then which of the following statements are true:

a.) All political bloggers are actually Elton John.

b.) Dennis Kucinich’s wife is still way too hot for him.

B-Movie? More Like GLBT-Movie

(This column was published in the
March 27th, 2008 issue of the QSaltLake. Ironically, I was recently invited just this last week to join the committee that chooses the films for Gay Movie Night at the Tower Theatre. Go figure. I'm going to suggest Mommie Dearest every single time! Either that, or A Night at the Roxbury, which not many people realize is also a gay film.)

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There are many things in life that naturally complement each other. These partnerships harmonize so well, that they are instantly recognizable to nearly anyone. Such examples include:

Peanut butter and jelly.

Stewart and Colbert.

Gin and tonic.

John and Yoko.

Ann Coulter and Last Halloween’s Most Popular Tranny Costume

A reader may notice that “gay movies” and “really really good” aren’t on this list. This isn’t an oversight.

I’m not a film snob, which is solidified by the fact that I own such critically-acclaimed luminaries as Mona Lisa Smile and Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me. I clearly am in no position to criticize the movie-viewing habits of others, and not just because I once listed Patch Adams in an online profile as one of my favorite movies. This having been said, I abhor most gay movies. I hate most gay movies with the same passion usually employed by Nazis towards Jews or by President Bush towards reading. I’ve seen gay movies at both the Sundance and Tampa film festivals, have watched countless gay movies at homes of friends, and have viewed hundreds – if not tens – of hours of gay movies during my lifetime. Of all the gay films I’ve seen during my gay life, there was maybe one minute in Adam and Steve that I actually enjoyed. Had the rest of the movie been like this one minute, I most likely would have enjoyed the movie – regardless of the fact that this one enjoyable minute occurred during the closing credits.

While I do believe films such as Brokeback Mountain and Angels in America deserve every cinematic accolade that has come their way, I also believe that most gay films are little more than a porn wrapped in an implausible and boring plot, peppered with stereotypes. Of the one or two or seven dozen gay movies I’ve seen over the years, most of these movies have consisted of a plot thinner than Nicole Richie during Spring Break, a plot that has served little more purpose than acting as the vehicle to the next sex scene. Considering how busy gay men are in these modern times, it only makes sense though that such a composition would be utilized in most gay films. Gay men enjoy watching movies… gay men enjoy watching porn… why not combine the two? After a long days work, who has time to watch both a thought-provoking feature length film AND a hot porn depicting sex between men? Thank you, Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds. You just saved me an extra hour in my day.

I realize that there aren’t many who share this opinion. I’d like to believe though that at least some gay men are just as frustrated. Sure, many consider watching films such as East Side Story to be a good way to spend an evening. Nevertheless, many other gay men like myself understand that such films do not accurately portray reality, as not all of us devote 90% of every thought or every conversation or every Google search or every handjob to sex. For many of us, we happen to lead rather average lives, with the only difference between our straight counterparts and ourselves being that we happen to date the same sex. Is there a movie for people such as us? Where’s the action adventure movie, where the male protagonist only happens to be gay? Where’s the comedy, where the male protagonist only happens to be gay? Where’s the horror movie, where the male protagonist only happens to be gay? Where’s the sci-fi movie, where the male protagonist only happens to be gay? Where’s the movie starring Gael Garcia Bernal, where he only happens to be gay – and then later falls in love with Ryan Shattuck? Yes, we’ve covered the ‘gay romantic’ bases, the ‘travails of dating in the gay world bases,’ and the ‘127 versions of having gay sex’ bases. Perhaps it’s time for gay filmmakers to venture out into the unknown non-sex, non-dating gay territory.

Might I suggest they use protection.

Some gay movies I genuinely find both entertaining and worthwhile, such as The Birdcage. What makes a film such as The Birdcage appeal to a wide variety of audiences – despite the plot centering on a gay couple and men who dress in drag – is its relatable themes of family. Not everyone has had to deal with a parent dressing in drag, but a large cross-section of America has dealt with having to meet their in-laws and being embarrassed by their parents. I feel comfortable in watching The Birdcage with my open-minded mother and father, but I don’t feel comfortable in watching Trick with my open-minded brother and sister. With many gay films continuing to perpetuate the stereotype that the one and only priority in a gay man’s life is dating and sex, it’s no wonder why a mainstream movie with a gay protagonist continues to be a rarity (aside from 1997’s Batman and Robin). In the year 2008, gay men now come from all walks of life and have more on their mind than just sex. Maybe it’s time that our movies reflect this fact.

For those gay filmmakers looking for a male lead, might I suggest Ann Coulter.

All Dogs and Babies Go to Heaven

(This column was published in the
March 11th, 2008 issue of the QSaltLake)

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I just so happen to be writing this column on the very day my dog celebrates his ninth birthday. Now, for those who are of the opinion that “facts” should “matter,” I’ll admit that today isn’t ‘technically’ my dog’s birthday but the one-year anniversary of the day I adopted him. I don’t actually know when my dog was born as the Utah Humane Society, where I adopted him, was unsure of his date of birth. I’ve since decided that for simplicity’s sake, I would celebrate the anniversary of the day I adopted him as his birthday.
You know, similar to the way Karl Rove’s parents celebrate his birthday on the day they adopted him from a pack of wolves.

My dog is my baby. Anyone who doubts that simply has to hear anything that comes out of my mouth. “Did I tell you about the time my dog …”; “Isn’t it cute that my dog …”; “You’ll never believe that my dog …” Yeah, I’m disgusting. For those who happen to be familiar with the stereotype of the gay man who effeminately babies his dog, this stereotype was based on one person.

You’re welcome.

Most gay men either a) own a dog, b) wish they owned a dog, or c) are a dog. Why is this? While dogs happen to be popular with people of all races, sexual orientations and walk of life, dogs tend to be even more popular in the gay community. I know many gay people who have dogs. In fact, the last time I wet to PetSmart to buy dog food, I encountered so many gay men in the aisles that I couldn’t help but wonder if I hadn’t somehow ended up at Try-Angles.

Compounding my confusion is the fact that I have a habit of drinking at both Try-Angles and PetSmart.

Gay men and women appear to have more of an affinity for dogs than straight men and women – is this true? One might assume this is because dogs are the closest way a gay man or woman may come to fulfilling their desire of having a complete family. My seasoned research team (who happens to go by the name of “looking stuff up on Google”) tells me that for those who happen to reside in the states of Arkansas, Florida, Michigan, Mississippi, New Hampshire or Utah, joint adoption is not an option. It only makes sense that gay men and women, in an attempt at fulfilling their desire to care for progeny, would turn to the next available solution.

By which I mean dogs. To those who assumed the “next available solution” would be “porn,” I say, “that is incorrect.” Though I will admit porn never has to be taken in for a rabies vaccine.

If by some bizarre twist of fate, Utah suddenly granted the right to gay men and women to adopt whomever we want (I call dibs on adopting Gary Coleman, but only because I’d be able to carry him around in a purse like a Chihuahua), would we be up to the challenge? I don’t know if I would; I have to admit that I’m comfortable with babying a dog instead of babying a baby. When I first adopted my dog, many friends thought I wasn’t “responsible” or “mature” or “even that smart” to be able to care for a living being who made the inconvenient mistake of not being me. I proved these people wrong by caring for my dog for a year now. Nevertheless, taking a dog out to poop twice a day is quite different from a baby who poops seventeen times a day. And needs to be fed. And won’t sleep through the night. And who needs to learn the entire English language. And who needs to have a chaperone at his or her prom. And who needs to know where babies come from.

I relish the fact that I never need to teach my dog where babies come from.

Someday, we may be able to marry and adopt. Whether five years from now, ten years from now, or a Larry King lifetime from now, we may someday find ourselves living in a state where we are able to marry and adopt freely, and will find that the only thing preventing us from doing so is our own cowardice. Perhaps we might benefit to remember the following:

If we can keep a plant alive for a certain period of time, we’ll know we’re ready for a pet.

If we can keep a pet alive for a certain period of time, we’ll know we’re ready for a relationship.

If we can maintain a relationship with someone for a certain period of time, we’ll know we’re ready for an adopted child.

And if we can keep an adopted child alive for a certain period of time, then we’ll know we’re ready to own Sea Monkeys. Cause damn, those things are really, really hard to keep alive. I always kill my Sea Monkeys.

But meanwhile, I have a bone-themed birthday party to throw.

This Video Will Actually Alter Your Sexual Orientation

WARNING: This video is the gayest video a person can possibly watch in their lifetime.

If you're straight, you will be overwhelmed by the urge to date the same gender, listen to Mika, and get a pedicure.

If you're gay, you will actually find a way to become straight, simply so that you may relish the process of becoming gay all over again.

Yes. It's that gay.

Consider yourself warned...

(credit: Best Week Ever)

ABC Thinks There's Nothing Gay About the Oscars

Apparently ABC is afraid of offending Oscars viewers with gay content. Which makes sense, because the Oscars is only the gay community's largest television event of the year. If anything, I'm surprised that annual Gay Pride parades aren't scheduled to fall on the same weekend as the Oscars - it only seems appropriate.

When No Country for Old Men producer Scott Rudin won the Oscar for Best Picture and thanked his partner John Barlow last night, ABC thought they would do a little trimming from the official transcript.

Here's the official transcript (by way of Queerty.com):

And here's the video (by way of Queerty.com):

ABC, I'm really disappointed in you. So now you edit 'objectionable' content out of your transcripts, for fear that it may offend your conservative watchers?

I keep forgetting... am I watching the Oscars on ABC, or Fox News?

Gay Mormons? Mormon Leaders? Good Luck Chuck?

Good Luck Chuck?

Wasn't that movie supposed to be absolutely awful? I never saw it, but it has Dane Cook in it - which is the acting equivalent of adding a teaspoon of urine to a bottle of 1998 Petrus Pomerol merlot - so I don't doubt that the movie was terrible. He sure does piss all over everything, doesn't he? "You know, Gone With the Wind would have been one of the greatest films in the history of humankind - but it had Dane Cook in it. So I walked out towards the middle."

Dane Cook has nothing to do with being gay. Most people also believe that gay people have nothing to do with Mormons. Yet everything comes full circle.

I keep seeing the headline "Gay Mormons Seek Meeting With New Leader" show up in my RSS reader this morning, so after the 4th headline I took the bait - and clicked. While I don't necessarily follow gay Mormon issues the way others do (yawn, yawn and yawn) I'm a rather unsuccessful homosexual as well as formerly attended the Mormon church myself. Thus, I'm curious.

Apparently the group Affirmation recently sent a letter to the LDS Church's newest president, Thomas S. Monson, requesting a meeting. According to the article:

Affirmation, with more than 2,000 gay, lesbian and transgender members, is not recognized by the church, which at one time labeled homosexuality as a problem that required help.

"Although there are many areas of hurt and disagreement that have separated us, there are many more areas on which we can find agreement, and in doing so, become a blessing in the lives of many of the Saints, both straight and gay," the group wrote in its invitation to Thomas S. Monson last week.

Monson assumed leadership of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints last Sunday following the death of its previous president, Gordon B. Hinckley.

Such a meeting with Monson and his counselors — a triumvirate known as the First Presidency — would be unprecedented, said David W. Melson, the group's assistant executive director.

"This was something we've talked about for a while," Melson said. "With the death of President Hinckley and the installation of new church leadership, it seemed like the appropriate time."

Fascinating. I have very mixed feelings on this. On the one hand, it's encouraging to think that people still associated with the 'Gay Mormon Movement' (I just trademarked that - it's mine now) are hoping to make a positive change within the LDS Church, and that it it appears as though progress is possible. On the other hand though, what do those who no longer have an association with the LDS Church - such as myself - feel about such action?

Years ago, when I was more involved with the 'Gay Mormon Movement' (tm), I would have been encouraged by such prospects. As I've continued to live my life though, and broaden my spiritual understandings, I feel as though I no longer need to define my spirituality by a pre-defined periphery.

While I applaud the steps taken by Affirmation, the other disillusioned and cynical no-longer-Mormon-but-happily-gay members of the gay community - those who feel as I do - can't help but ask: "is it even worth it?" I obviously don't have an answer.

I appreciate the steps taken by others on their quest to find the intersection of sexuality and religion. I on the other hand am perfectly happy spending my afternoon watching Good Luck Chuck.

The Second Richest Gay Mormon After Bruce Bastian

Well not really.

But nevertheless, congratulations to Todd Herzog, the self-proclaimed gay Mormon who won Survivor: China this last weekend.

The most that I - also a gay Mormon - have ever won, is the occasional disapproval of friends and family.

I didn't need to go on TV for my prize.

Business As Usual

I'm finished with finals and I'm finished with my terribly long The Onion application. Therefore, I have no excuse to not return to blogging several times a day. Here are a couple of personal updates/thoughts:

1.) I'm done with the Daily Bullshattuck Guarantee. It was fun while it lasted (not really), and a lot of people participated (um, like one). Honestly though after all is said and done, I shouldn't have to resort to gimmicks to get people to read my blog. Sure, advertisers and tv executives and marketers and researchers and businesspeople and religious leaders and politicians and everyone in between resort to gimmicks in a desperate attempt to peddle their wares (ha! "peddle their wares" sounds dirty), but that doesn't mean I have to.

That, and I'm also tired of Marty Hood's attempts to milk me for all I'm worth.

So no, no more waste-of-time Daily Bullshattuck Guarantee. Read the blog because you enjoy second-rate writing, and not because you're trying to win something from me*

(*speaking of which, a new Bullshattuck contest will be announced soon!)

2.) School - and finals - are finally over for the semester. This must be what they're always describing in those commercials - the fancy act of 'being able to breath.'

3.) As I mentioned, I finally finished - and submitted - my The Onion application. If I'm feeling brave later on, perhaps I'll post my actual application here on Bullshattuck for your reading pleasure/non-pleasure. If anything, I hope I get the job simply because finishing the application took me a really really really long time. We're talking longer than the Iraq War (clarification: longer than the actual war, not longer than how long the war was supposed to be.)

To those of you who responded to my email with edits & critiques, I thank you very much. You pointed out which jokes were funny, and which ones were not. Perhaps I should hire someone to do that full-time for me: point out which of the jokes I've written is funny, and which one's are not. If you'd like a good example of how badly I need someone to do that for me, all you have to do is look at, oh I don't know, my blog. In any case, I'll keep everyone updated on whether The Onion decides to hire me or not. I figure that if God loves me, I'll get this job.

So in other words, I won't get this job.

4.) On an even more personal note, I address the following to just one person:

I understand if you have a small self-esteem. I understand if you have an even smaller penis. For that very reason, they've invented therapy and/or Viagra. Might I advise that you DO invest in therapy and/or Viagra. Might I advise that you DO NOT yell "faggot" at me while I leave the grocery store. It makes sense why you would yell such a derogatory epithet at me - because I'm participating in the very gay act of, oh I don't know, walking. When you yell "faggot" at me from your car window as you drive by,

a.) it offends me and pisses me off, and
b.) it reminds everyone what a speck of dried vomit on human civilization you truly are.

Really. Invest in Viagra. Either that, or electroshock therapy to overcome your latent homosexual desires.

Don't Let Florida Find Out Your French Poodle Listens to Streisand

Priorities, schmiorities. Sure, Florida may make buckets of money from the gay men and women who visit Disney World and Miami and the billions upon billions of gay clubs and bars and restaurants across the state, but that doesn't mean they have to place the health & well-being of gay men and women above the priorities of, oh I don't know, your pet rabbit.

The Palm Beach Post, by way of Crooks and Liars, posted a story last Saturday about the Palm Beach Community College and their new discounted group medical insurance. Discounted insurance for spouses? Discounted insurance for domestic partners?

No. For pets.

As the article states, "The pets of Palm Beach Community College employees will qualify for discounted group medical insurance beginning in January, but domestic partners are still barred from receiving similar benefits." Said Rand Hoch, president of the Palm Beach County Human Rights Council, “The fact of the matter is puppies are covered, partners are not.”

So remember, those applying to teach at Palm Beach Community College:

*Your same-sex partner of over 20 years is not eligible for insurance.

*Your basset hound which you adopted last month is eligible for insurance.

Probably the most frustrating of all, is what do you do if your basset hound comes out of the closet?

Ballbuster? Blockbuster!

I went to Blockbuster over the weekend (a shout out to the bourgeois!) to rent a movie. While a self-appointed restraining order has prevented me from visiting Blockbuster for several years – in other words, Netflix is not a picky lover and won’t press charges – I strangely found myself inside their yellow walls once more. What was so strange about going to Blockbuster for the first time in years, was that I was blown away by the large selection of gay movies.

Note to self: don’t use the words “blown away” when referencing gay movies.

Really, has 1 out of every 2 movies at Blockbuster always been gay themed? It may be true that 10% of society is gay – but don’t tell that to Block-at-least-fifty-percent-is-queer-buster. I’m walking down the aisles of Blockbuster looking for a copy of Hick-Spanic and Zorro: Return to the Future to take home for some good old-fashioned hetero entertainment, but instead find myself distracted with The Lair, Eating Out 2: Sloppy Seconds, Latter Days, Cowboys & Angels, His Secret Life and Lots of Gay Sex: Parts 1 & 2.

Oh, and Fried Green Tomatoes.

Apparently in the 3 or 4 years since I’ve been to Blockbuster, CEO James Keyes has been replaced with Harvey Fierstein.

Which now makes sense why Blockbuster recently changed their slogan. “More Movies, More Choice, More Value, More Films About Gay Sex.” Indeed.