Bullshattuck

The Longest Seven Days in America

The current headline on the Huffington Post, in large red block letters, reads simply the following: SEVEN DAYS. Intrigued, I clicked on the headline, only to learn that the SEVEN DAYS refers to…

a.) The number of days that remain on Earth until the Middle East finally self-combusts?

b.) Or the number of days that remain until the entire human population is destroyed by an asteroid the size of a very large asteroid?

c.) Or the number of days that remain until an awkwardly large percentage of society comes together in a nation-wide mass suicide, due to the second place finish of David Archuleta?

Of course not. Let's not be mostly ridiculous. The SEVEN DAYS on the Huffington Post refers to the number of days remaining until the Democratic primaries are officially over.

And if you think you're hearing legions of angels singing the "Hallelujah" chorus, you are correct.

While Hillary will most stay likely stay in the race until Arbor Day 2009 (or until all the trees disappear from the planet, whatever occurs first), the fact that the Democratic primaries are over in only a week is kind of a big milestone. Now true, the primaries occur once every four years, and in theory the ending of the primaries shouldn't be a big deal. But like that one Christmas in 1986 which you spent with your annoying in-laws, this particular year seems much longer than most years

I have to admit that with the primaries over, I feel a little bit of loss. Sure, now that the primaries are over we can move on to a little something called "the general election." Nevertheless, I don't know if I'm quite ready for them to be over yet. They're like an inappropriate alcoholic uncle who visits twice a year… we're not necessarily fond of him, but we'll undoubtedly cry at his funeral. I feel as though I grew up with the primaries, which isn't that big of a stretch considering that the current primary began while Larry King was going through puberty.

I'm going to miss the 9/11 days of Rudy "9/11" Giuliani. I'm going to miss comparing Dennis and Elizabeth Kucinich to Gollum and Mrs. Way Too Hot for Gollum. I'm going to miss Mike Huckabee's hidden Christmas card cross, Mike Gravel's presidential candidacy announcement video/art student project, Chris Dodd's chance in hell, and Ron Paul's enthusiastic supporters (only half of whom have actually claim to have been abducted by aliens).

It's now down to Barack Obama and John McCain. While most Americans are happy to have the primaries over, I will publicly and embarrassingly admit that I'll miss the circus that has been the primaries. I know I'm in the minority, but like that inappropriate alcoholic uncle, I'm just not sure that I'm ready for the primaries to die yet.

Wait, what's that? There's been ANOTHER kerfuffle concerning Hillary and supposed politically incorrect comments about assasination?

I changed my mind. I was ready for these SEVEN DAYS to be over yesterday.

California and Massachusetts are Totally Getting Gay Married

Earlier today, the California Supreme Court struck down California’s ban on same-sex marriage, a ban that had existed since a voter referendum in 2000.

Why does this matter, especially for non-homosexuals who live in non-California? As San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom pointed out, “It’s a throwaway line, but I think it’s true: As California goes, so goes the nation.”

As California goes, so goes the nation.

IT’S TIME FOR A GAY MARRIAGE POP QUIZ!

QUESTION ONE:

Will gay marriage play a roll in the 2008 presidential elections, the same way it did in 2004?

________________________________

QUESTION TWO:

How will the presidential candidates respond to the California Supreme Court’s decision?

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BONUS QUESTION:

If the nation follows California, and the presidential candidates follow the nation, and the media follows the presidential candidates, and political bloggers follow the media, and California allows gay-marriage, and Elton John is gay-married, then which of the following statements are true:

a.) All political bloggers are actually Elton John.

b.) Dennis Kucinich’s wife is still way too hot for him.

It's a Small World After All

Several years ago, I read a book about the ‘evils’ of the Walt Disney Company. I don’t necessarily remember the basic tenets of the book, but it ranged from such claims as the benign (the Disney company doesn’t treat its employees very well) to the absurd (the Disney company is actually a cult). How preposterous! How ridiculous! The Disney Company isn’t evil! It’s not as if, sometime in the 90’s, the Disney Company actually went and built a town in Florida, complete with its own zip code!

Oh wait. Never mind.

Big deal. So a few people are such fanatics of All Things Disney that they actually move to a town designed by the Disney Company. Good riddance, I say. As far as I’m concerned, people who are such fanatics of any one idea or company or person should have every right to move to a town of like-minded people. Besides, it’s not as if any of the current presidential candidates’ supporters are such fanatics that they’re actually designing in town in Texas that was inspired by their candidate!

Oh wait. Never mind.

The world just recently learned about Paulville, Texas – a town being designed and built by Ron Paul supporters (I should probably stop referring to them as Ron Paul “fanatics,” as I’m too young to die). The town will consist of 500 acres of “freedom and liberty lovers” and will give citizens “the right to wield semi-automatic weapons and the abolition of income tax.” All one needs to in order to become a citizen of Paulville, aside from being crazier than a box of crazy people, is to be a huge huge huge supporter of Ron Paul and really really really love freedom and liberty.

That’s what’s great about the United States – we have the freedom to choose where to live:

If you’re crazy about Disney, you can live in Celebration, Florida.

If you’re crazy about Ron Paul, you can live in Paulville, Texas.

If you’re just plain crazy, you can live in a mental institution. Or in Celebration or in Paulville.

Til the End of Time

So Hillary Clinton took Indiana in the primaries last night. Big deal. As everyone knows, she plans on staying in the race for a very long time. Not until June. Not until the convention. But forever. Hillary Clinton is going to stay in the race forever.

Will she go down in history as the first president to be female? No. She will go down in history as the first presidential candidate to achieve immortality.

Like everyone else under the age of – let’s be honest – 93, I’m pretty burned out by this entire race. Several months ago, I would have enjoyed watching the primary returns on CNN. Last night however, instead of watching the returns for Indiana and North Carolina, I thought I would have a movie marathon instead. I just need to do something that has nothing to do with politics whatsoever. A movie marathon should get my mind off this never ending race!

The following is a list of some of the movies I ended up watching, trying to get my mind off the race and Hillary Clinton in particular:

• Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, the 2003 movie about a cyborg who just can’t seem to die or go away.

• Interview with a Vampire, the 1994 movie about a vampire who just can’t seem to die or go away.

• Nightmare on Elm Street, the 1984 movie about a serial killer who just can’t seem to die or go away.

• I then decided to take a break and play my favorite computer game, Wherein the World is Carmen Sandiego?, a game about an international thief who just can’t seem to die or go away.

Dammit. Mission not accomplished.

You Might Be a Super Delegate If...

Barack Obama says on Meet the Press that Hillary Clinton most likely will stay in the race until the end. As of today, the Democratic primary has now lasted approximately 1,342 weeks. What is America to do?

Well fear not, you 72 million registered Democrats (give or take a few million) out there. I have a solution. Consider the following:

FACT: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are currently in a statistical tie.

FACT: The only way Barack can offer the final blow OR Hillary can pull ahead is for the super delegates to announce for whom they are voting.

FACT: For some reason, many super delegates across the U.S. have still not announced who they are supporting.

THEREFORE: Most of the super delegates are not aware that they are a super delegate.

It’s simple! Once you know you’re a super delegate… you’ll announce your support for either candidate… and then the greatest debate of all time in the history of time and space will come to an end. But how exactly is a person to whether they’re a super delegate?

YOU MIGHT BE A SUPER DELEGATE IF:

1. You inexplicably feel a large sense of power and responsibility whenever you watch CSPAN.

2. You’re having dinner at Red Lobster, and Ted Kennedy’s paying.

3. You giggle whenever you overhear someone say “I sure wish the super delegates would just decide already.”

4. Oprah sends you a brand new car – and even pays the taxes on it.

5. You wake up with a hangover, after doing shots with Hillary the night before.

6. Barack stops by Burger King while you’re working the evening shift, and tells you he’s so concerned that you only make minimum wage that it keeps him awake at night.

7. You’ve been fake-interviewed by a Daily Show correspondent. Twice.

8. Chelsea asks you if she can put you in her ‘top 8 friends,’ despite the fact that no one uses MySpace anymore.

9. You suddenly starting using words like “gravitas” and “more important than everyone else I know” when describing yourself in an online personal ad.

10. You’re a Nobel Peace Prize winning, Academy Award winning, former vice-president.

Ron Paul Followers Do Not Believe in Using Hyperbole

With all the commotion surrounding Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama (and if you squint just right, John McCain as well), it’s easy for some people to forget that Ron Paul is still running for the president of the United States. Of course by “some people,” I mean “those people who aren’t part of the Ron Paul Revolution.”

And of course by “those people who aren’t part of the Ron Paul Revolution,” I mean “pretty much everybody.”

Ron Paul released his new book yesterday, The Revolution: A Manifesto. For those who don’t plan on voting for Ron Paul, this was simply a new book. For those who do plan on voting for Ron Paul, this book is more groundbreakingly historical than a copy of the Bible handwritten by Jesus himself, complete with a golden ticket to Willie Wonka’s chocolate factory wedged between the Old and New Testaments.

To Ron Paul supporters, this is no ordinary book – this is the book to end all books.

Hyperbole is an Eliot Spitzer prostitute – they’re both cheap and easy (minus the cheap part). Therefore, instead of believing my hyperbole concerning Ron Paul’s infallible book, consider the following real comments left on Amazon.com:

That's right. You read correctly.

1. “Ron Paul + Jesse Ventura = Critical Mass”

2. “If this book does not save our liberties, what will?”

3. “The most important writing since Patrick Henry’s ‘Common Sense’”

4. “Ultimate Survival kit for seekers of liberty: The Bible & The Revolution: A Manifesto”

5. “Perhaps we can still save our country, by Warpy McDuckard”

Warpy McDuckard. Warpy McDuckard. Someone believes we can still save our country, and that person is Warpy McDuckard.

And my favorite…

Ron Paul More Important than the Second Coming of Christ?

You have to at least give them credit for asking this in the form of a question, and not just assuming.

So there you have it. People who review Ron Paul's new book do believe in hyperbole, and are a lot more normal than the media would have us believe.

On an absolutely, completely unrelated note, ‘The Secret’ is still on sale on Amazon.

Further Proof that Barack is a Mac & Hillary is a PC

FACT: Apple just debuted a new commercial over the weekend for the iPod, featuring the song "Shut Up and Let Me Go."

FACT: Barack Obama continues to distance himself from the comments Reverend Jeremiah Wright made over the weekend.

Coincidence?

Voting for America's Next Top Drinking Buddy

(This column was published in the
April 21st, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

---

There once was a man from Nantucket,

Lost everything in the stock market.

It wasn't a joke,

That he soon was broke,

And became rather aggravated with the way in which the hosts of last week's presidential debate, Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos, instead of asking questions relating to the economy and other issues that affect Americans, focused on such banal issues as the wearing of a flag pin.

That poor guy from Nantucket. He can't ever seem to catch a break. Plus, his limericks kind of suck.

A lot of conversation has been generated by last Wednesday's debate between Senators Clinton and Obama, which was sponsored by ABC News. The debate's hosts, Gibson and Stephanopoulos, were lambasted by many people and organizations, such as other media outlets and much of the political blogosphere. Everyone -- including And Their Dog and And Their Mom -- apparently had something critical to say about the hosts for their decision to employ petty and inconsequential questions.

Is there anyone, aside from a certain Chronicle columnist, who actually still cares about the anti-American comments of Obama's former reverend? Are Clinton's claims of having survived sniper fire in Bosnia good for much else, aside from the occasional late-night talk show host joke? Does anyone, aside from Charlie Gibson, even care that Obama sometimes doesn't wear a flag pin? Do any of these issues fundamentally affect the lives of average Americans, aside from inspiring more than their share of hand-wringing?

Perhaps I'm concerned about the Iraq War because I have children serving in Iraq -- but my vote for America's next Commander-in-Chief hinges on whether the candidate will wear a plastic pin. I may have lost my job due to the declining economy -- but my vote for America's next Commander-in-Chief hinges on whether the candidate will wear a plastic pin. I may now have to pay over $1,000 to fill my semi-trailer in order to deliver my load of food to America's grocery stores -- but my vote for America's next Commander-in-Chief hinges on whether the candidate will wear a plastic pin.

Would Barack Obama Wear a Plastic Pin? Some people ask themselves "WWJD," and then they decide. I ask myself "WBOWAPP," and then I vote.

Gibson and Stephanopulos aren't the only ones to offend the American public by asking asinine questions of candidates for the most powerful job position in the world. President George Bush was famously voted as the candidate with whom most Americans would like to share a beer. President Bill Clinton was once asked if he preferred boxers or briefs. Even President Grover Cleveland was voted as the president most likely to leave his friends dirty MySpace comments. While questions such as these help round out candidates and presidents as "average" people, should they take center stage in a debate hosted by ABC News? I expect Comedy Central to entertain me by asking candidates ridiculous question on issues that don't matter -- I expect ABC News to inform me by asking candidates questions on issues that do.

There's no question that a certain level of likability must be present in our presidential candidates in order for them to win an election. Nevertheless, I don't value likability in my presidential candidates as much as I value competency. In a job interview, most people generally aren't asked about their personality, their likes and dislikes and whether they would be fun to get a beer with as much as they're asked about their applicable skills and what they would bring to the company. Some recent news stories, however, would have us believe that we're not voting for America's Next Top Leader of the Free World as much as we're voting for America's Next Top Drinking Buddy.

Perhaps I'm naive, but I like to assume that the American public is smarter than the media would have us believe. Fluff stories of Hillary Clinton having a shot of whiskey, Barack Obama not being a good bowler or John McCain forgetting where he left his car keys will not bring back jobs or end the Iraq War. Constantly hearing of Reverend Wright's anti-American comments and Clinton's dumb lie regarding a sniper-infested Bosnia doesn't affect our day-to-day lives. What does Obama intend on doing for the millions of Americans without healthcare? Will Clinton pull the troops out of Iraq? Does McCain have a plan for the sagging economy?

Sorry, Charlie Gibson, George Stephanopoulos and other media journalists, but these are the stories I care about. I'm not interested in the scandals you shove down my throat.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. Just ask the unemployed man from Nantucket.

Saying "The Media Is In Love with Barack Obama" Hurts Barack Obama's Feelings

Don't get me wrong.

I'm all for Barack Obama. I think he's charimatic, he's a great leader, he's inspirational, he's [reason #3], he's [reason #4], and he's at least [reason #5]. But c'mon with the deification already.

This is Rolling Stones' current issue, with Obama on the cover. As usual, he's not smiling (hope never smiles).

This celesetial light behind him is rather confusing. Am I supposed to vote for Barack Obama - or pray to Barack Obama?

Provo Supports Alan Keyes for President?

Who knew Provo was such a hotbed for presidential campaigns?

1.) So I come across this article on Radar, with the non-attention grabbing headline of Alan Keyes Humiliates Barack Yet Again. I click.

2.) The website references Alan Keyes' website. I click.

3.) Apparently Alan Keyes has been running for president since September 2007, a secret being kept from his wife, as well as all of America. I'm curious.

4.) I go to Alan Keyes' contact page, keeping in mind that he lives in Maryland.

And where - joining the ranks of other winning presidential candidates such as Mitt Romney - is his campaign based?