Bullshattuck

Get In Shape for the Right Reasons

(This column was published in the
May 14th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle - if this column looks familiar, it's because it's a variation on an old column I wrote about a year ago)

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It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

This month is the most wonderful time of the year, one may ask? No, it’s not Avoid One’s Family Christmas. Nor, is it our Pretend To Not Be Depressed Valentines Day. It’s not even An Excuse To Dress Like A Superhero or a Whore Halloween. This most wonderful time of the year I’m referring to is the Beginning of Summer – an annual time of year that society looks forward to more than Fundamentalist Christians look forward to the Rapture. This most likely has something to do with the fact that The Rapture is not a sudden ascension into heaven as much as it is a New York post punk revival band.

While Utah’s 17-month long Winter has driven me to look forward to summer myself, I also find myself experiencing another feeling as the days become warmer: dread. I’m sure I’m not alone. True, Summer means vacations, barbecues, Pioneer Day parades and Independence Day celebrations. Summer also means that we’re too fat to wear that swimsuit to a pool party, we feel self-conscious showing skin at the beach, and Free Bikini Day at Brigham Young University is out of the question. Rejections and excuses come fast and furious “I have a dentist appointment . . . I have a funeral to attend . . . I’m the second pregnant man in recorded history, and I have to get ready for Oprah.” Nevertheless, rejections and excuses dry up, and we must face the inevitable.

It’s summer time. And we have body image issues.

With the transition from the cooler seasons to the warmer seasons comes a renewed interest in being buffed, tanned, plucked, coifed and liposucked. Some of us don’t care. Some of us spend all day obsessing. Some of us may even already have the perfect body of Portia de Rossi or Jake Gyllenhaal – and may those people either die, or date me. For the rest of us whose body more closely resembles a mailman than it does a male model, the question of how we’ll look in a swimsuit this summer is a very real issue. Some women become depressed over their bodies. Some men spend thousands of dollars on their bodies. Many go on fad diets consisting of nothing but unsugared lemonade and cayenne pepper to improve their bodies. People even become so desperate that they turn to such people as Dr. Phil.

Personally, I wouldn’t even trust Dr. Phil to recommend a decent restaurant.

While there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be healthy, this Dorian Gray mentality of wanting to remain young and beautiful consumes so much of our time and energy that it must be asked – is all the time we donate to the cause of being perpetually young actually worth it? We spend this time as if we – and myself included – are afraid of admitting we’re imperfect and accepting the reality of who we really are. Is there anything wrong with admitting flaws and imperfections? If we already feel self-conscious about our physical health, then isn’t it assumed that obsessing about it will also affect our mental health?

Now of course I, like probably anyone else, believe that there is nothing immoral with having a healthy amount of self-respect. But while I’m not a licensed nutritionist, a personal trainer, a therapist, a researcher, or the-type-of-person-who-should-be-sharing-a-public-opinion, I still do not believe it’s necessary or even healthy to become so overwhelmed with an endless search to be perfect and beautiful that it consumes all of one’s life. As Tyler Durden asks in the movie Fight Club upon seeing an ad of a male model on a bus, “Is that what a real man is supposed to look like?” Are many of us in search of a naïve perfection that doesn’t actually exist, short of plastic surgery, Photoshop, and compulsive lying? Then again, Tyler Durden did in fact have the perfect body, so he may not be the best person to quote. I also don’t know how much merit should be given to a person and their opinions when that person’s person hobbies include blowing up buildings and punching random people.

As the warmer months approach, perhaps we should ask ourselves: are we getting in shape for the summer because we want to be healthier and improve our longevity – or because we don’t feel good about ourselves? Are we trying to reach a positive or avoid a negative? Are we trying to feel better about ourselves or are we trying to avoid feeling bad about ourselves? Are we ready to let go of all our unnecessary, preconceived notions? Are we ready to admit we’re imperfect – and so is everyone else?

Let’s lose weight in order to be healthier. But more importantly, let’s lose this preoccupation with beauty and vanity and perfection that consumes so much of our lives.

As for me, I have a pool party this weekend, and I need to work on my gag reflex if I am to throw up my lunch.

I love this time of the year.

The Anatomy of a Flip Flop

(This column was published in the
April 17th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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I used to think Robin Williams was one of the best actors Hollywood had to offer. Now I find him to be more obnoxious than a room full of 3-year-olds. I used to pretend to date women in high school. Now I write for a number of gay, political publications. I used to consider myself a highly religious person. Now I consider myself to be a secular humanist, with a side order of laziness. I used to think that parachute pants were cool. Now I wouldn't be caught dead wearing them, even if I pushed from a plane and wearing them was the only way to save my life.

Everyone changes his or her mind throughout life. We change our minds regarding culinary tastes, fashion and politics. Non-Christians become Christians, Republicans become Democrats and vegetarians vote for Dennis Kucinich.

Yesterday the celebrity diet of choice was the Atkins Diet. Today many celebrities are on an effective diet called drunkorexia. Yesterday everyone was taking glamour shots. Today we simply use Photoshop. Yesterday we loved Mariah Carey so much that we launched her to No. 1 on the Billboard music charts. Today we love Carey so much that we…launch her to No. 1 on the Billboard music charts (clearly some things never change, such as Stonehenge or the public's fascination with Carey).

Nevertheless, the evolution of people and their tastes, beliefs and experiences alters nearly all aspects of demographics and the human race. We don't fault anyone for having an opinion different from that which they had 10, five or even one year ago. Unless that person is a politician.

The majority of politicians are manipulative and calculating, an opinion with which few people would disagree. However, what is sometimes forgotten is the fact that some politicians are actual people with genuine, evolving opinions.

The average person who has altered his or her opinion on, for example, abortion over a span of 10 years, is simply considered to have altered that opinion on abortion over a span of 10 years. A politician who has altered his or her opinion on any given subject over a span of 10 years is assumed to be an unscrupulous, Machiavellian flip-flopper.

Never mind that the politician changes his or her opinion because his or her actual personal belief has changed-it's assumed he or she is simply doing it for political reasons.

For the record, I voted for John Kerry in 2004 and strongly disliked Mitt Romney in 2008. Although I believe that some of the accusations against both men, labeling them both as "flip-floppers," were justified, I also believe that not every accusation was grounded in truth.

After having served in the Vietnam War, isn't it possible that Kerry's opinions on the war would have evolved? Although Romney was pro-choice earlier in his political career, isn't it possible that his opinion would have evolved over the span of a decade? Many people-including myself-accused Romney of having changed his opinion for political reasons. Is this fair? Haven't I also changed my beliefs on a number of topics over the years?

Giving a speech on the anniversary of Martin Luther King Jr.'s death, presidential candidate John McCain admitted to having made a mistake in 1983 when he voted in Congress against a federal holiday honoring King. Despite the two-and-a-half decades that have passed since McCain's vote and his apologies in a number of speeches to several different groups, some still hold his feet to the fire for his offensive, but dumb, decision.

Are we too cynical to believe that a person might have changed an opinion in a span of time longer than the time in which society has had the Internet-or Haley Joel Osment?

To play the part of devil's advocate, we must recognize that the timing and sincerity of any given politician plays a large role in believing the evolution of the politician's opinion. I give someone such as Romney the benefit of the doubt for altering his opinion on abortion over a span of 10 years. Conversely, I doubt his sincerity when this alteration in opinion occurs during a presidential election.

In the current presidential election, politicians want us to believe them, and we want to believe politicians. However, they must understand that our belief in their evolution of opinions depends completely on their timing and sincerity. We want to believe Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and JohnMcCain-provided their opinions are sincere and the timing isn't political.

The exception, of course, is if any one of them try to convince us that parachute pants are making a comeback. I won't believe that for a second.

Saving to Stimulate the Economy

(This column was published in the
April 11th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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What do the following three items have in common?

A piggy bank made of granite and filled with a tinier piggy bank made of porcelain and filled with pennies and broken promises.

A copy of Jimmy Buffett's single 'Margaritaville,' autographed by Jesse Ventura for some reason.

A dictionary with a hollowed-out center, so that one may hide trinkets such as tiny porcelain piggy banks and well-worn DVDs of "Snakes on a Plane."

The answer? They can all be purchased with my economic stimulus check!

Two months ago, the House and the Senate, in a rare move of relative bipartisanship -- a level of cooperation that hasn't been witnessed since the World Trade Center attacks of 2001 or the Janet Jackson nipple attack of 2004 -- passed the Economic Stimulus Act of 2008 in an attempt to bolster the U.S. economy.

Thanks to this stimulus package, tax-paying Americans (Wesley Snipes and Al Capone, you can skip this part) will receive anywhere from $300 to $1,200, depending on such variables as income status, number of children and children's income status.

Although it's doubtful whether this economic stimulus check will do much to stave off the recession in which we already find ourselves, the checks are intended to serve just one purpose. To be saved in a college fund? To pay off credit card bills? To be invested in Ashley Dupré's five-diamond musical career? What exactly do the House and the Senate prefer that we do with our stimulus checks?

Spend the money!

Spend the money!

Spend the money!

It doesn't take a financial expert like Jim Cramer (can I get an amen, Bear Stearns stockholders!) to understand that money invested in the economy gets a lot more mileage than money invested underneath one's mattress.

Most Americans are more than willing to support their country by spending money, even if it means they have to make such painful sacrifices as buying iPods or new cell phones.

Nevertheless, the new stimulus checks beg the question: How many of us will actually invest our stimulus checks in savings? This also begs the question: What percent of Americans actually have any type of savings in the first place? Further more, this also begs the question: Why are questions always begging, and why can't these lazy questions just get a job?

Because my savings account -- which consists of $Less Than Five Bucks.00 -- plants me firmly in the same demographic as the majority of America, I can't help but wonder: Why are such small numbers of us investing in savings? Considering that 78.5 percent of the U.S. is Christian, it might be argued that more Americans believe in a Rapture or a Second Coming than they believe in saving for a rainy day.

What would Jesus do? According to national trends, even omnipotent beings would rather spend than save.

Why are such small numbers of Americans putting more money into a savings account than into a cash register? Saving money might not be as sexy as a vacation, a new car or a $4,300 prostitute, but in a financial crisis a person shouldn't expect to find comfort in a vacation, a new car or a $4,300 prostitute (unless of course, the prostitute has a heart of gold).

Has our want-it-now-need-it-now society driven us to such a point that we've become so financially irresponsible that any small financial hiccup is likely to give us financial cancer? Do too many of us believe that it doesn't matter how we live and spend today, because the sun will come out tomorrow?

If I learned anything from that red-haired orphan, it's that one doesn't need to worry for one's future, for "Daddy" Warbucks will fix everything in the end.

OK, bad example.

Although it might seem pointless to ask questions in retrospect -- What if the South had won the Civil War? What if John F. Kennedy hadn't been assassinated? What if Keith Richards could remember any part of the '8os? -- it nevertheless can provide us with a historical reference point from which we might base our future decisions.

Would larger percentages of savings from yesterday have played any part in the financial crisis of today? Hopefully we've learned by now that although recessions might be unavoidable, any sort of savings can at least soften the blow.

I'm clearly not a financial expert. The extent of my financial advice consists of "Don't spell your name wrong on your own checks." Regardless, common sense dictates that saving more and spending less, while painful, will be beneficial in the long run. I haven't decided yet how I'll use my stimulus check, but I'm definitely going to use it on something responsible.

Like a copy of Margaritaville. And only if it's signed by Jesse Ventura.

The Blame Game

(This boring column was published in the
April 8th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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I like to blame other people -- but that's not my fault.

Blaming other people is one of my favorite pastimes. For example, I am only 5-foot-9 -- I blame my parents. I am not that wealthy -- I blame the economy. I am not that intelligent -- I blame the U. I'm not a good writer -- I blame The Daily Utah Chronicle. I have a slow computer -- I blame Apple Inc. I suffer from prosopagnosia -- I blame people with ugly faces.

I like to blame other people, and other people like to blame me. Everyone likes to blame everyone else, and, in doing so, the world continues to quirkily gyrate along its crooked axis. Blaming others is as American as apple pie, baseball, rock 'n' roll music and not voting. We are a nation full of blamers -- and we hope someone else will take the fall.

A recent CBS News/The New York Times poll showed that 81 percent of respondents said they believe "things have pretty seriously gotten off on the wrong track." When asked how the country compares to how it was five years ago, 75 percent felt that America is "worse off."

It was pointed out in the survey, which was released on The New York Times' website, that "Americans are more dissatisfied with the country's direction than at any time since (the poll's inception) in the early 1990s." It is worthwhile to note that the 81 percent of dissatisfied respondents cuts across all demographics -- male, female, black, white, Republican and Democrat.

The results, although depressing, are not terribly shocking. At the very least, this poll made me think about how blame is assigned and the reasons why people feel dissatisfied. How many of us have been frustrated with the Iraq War for more than half a decade? Who among us has been affected by the sluggish economy? Lives have been lost, jobs have been lost, and homes have been lost. It's enough to make one hide under the covers, weep while watching the news and attempt to find solace in a large bag of Cheetos -- or at least until one's home is foreclosed.

2008 began in such a dismal state of disrepair that until February of this year, people couldn't even drown their sorrows by watching good television because of the writers' strike. Society's a mess, the economy's in shambles and our foreign policy is a wreck. Thus we are justified in yelling to no one in particular, "Heads will roll! A price must be paid! Someone must be blamed!"

I propose we start by blaming ourselves.

Everybody knows somebody who enjoys playing the victim. A friend who doesn't receive a promotion at work and thus blames the economy. A family member who isn't accepted into college, prompting the family member to cite racism. A co-worker who tirelessly reminds everyone else of how difficult life was while surviving the Holocaust, the Rwandan Genocide, the Darfur Conflict, the Bosnian ethnic cleansing and the Salem Witch Trials -- all of which he or she claims to have experienced. Do we know people who speak this way? Or worse -- are we these people?

I should clarify by stating that legitimate problems deserve legitimate attention. Racism, sexism and homophobia still exist in our world. Single mothers, the homeless, the mentally disabled and war veterans still need our help. Those with cancer, AIDS and other potentially fatal diseases still deserve our empathy.

But are there some of us -- whose troubles pale in comparison with those of others -- who still blame everyone from the government to our family for our problems? How many of us are competent and capable and yet demand a handout delivered on a doily?

On a scale from one to 10, with one being the systematic slaughter of thousands of innocent people and 10 being the systematic slaughter of millions of innocent people, the tragedy of my life most likely falls somewhere between a box of rainbows and a gift basket of marshmallows.

I confess that I've blamed others for my own personal problems in the past, something of which I'm not proud. Like other people in society, I've gone through depression. I've been unemployed. I've gone for periods of time where I didn't communicate with my family, and I've been known to dabble in ostracism, alienation and loneliness. Nevertheless, I realize that my trivial problems do not compare to the mammoth-sized problems of others, and I consciously try to avoid blaming others for my own transgressions.

The 81 percent of Americans who believe that "things have pretty seriously gotten off on the wrong track" have many legitimate reasons to believe this. I do believe, however, that although we cannot control every aspect of society, the government and the economy, we can certainly take more ownership over our lives. We have the freedom to choose our lives, our happiness and our attitudes. And even if that's not true, we can at least choose whether we want a tall, grande, venti or super-sized portion of tragedy.

And for those who might not agree, don't blame me -- it's not my fault.

Ever Wonder How Some Bus Drivers Spend Their Lunch Break?

This is a picture I took while leaving my apartment the other day.

Of a school bus.

Parked in front of the state wine store.

Now let's think about this for a minute. Sure, we could judge the busdriver for buying alcohol at the state wine store in between shifts. But if you drove children around for a living, wouldn't you also give in to your vices? Of course you would. Everyone would.

So the next time you take your children to board a morning school bus being driven by a bloodshot-eyed bus driver who's groggily taking a swig from his paper bag, remember: he drives children around for a living.

Be sure to thank him. Thank him for driving America's children. He'll appreciate it, as we weaves in and out of incoming traffic.

Thank you, bus driver.

Just Because Cher Is Old, Doesn't Mean She Sucks

(This article was published in the
March 12th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle.)
(You'll notice that the version here is different from the version on the Chronicle's website. This is because I hate hate hate the way they edited my column. If I wanted my column butchered I'd take it to a deli - am I right or am I right?)
(No, I'm not right.)

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As everybody knows, I hate Cher.

I don’t hate her because she’s an Academy, Grammy, and Emmy award winner. I hate her because she’s old – and I pretty much hate the elderly.

Actually no, I really don’t have a problem with Cher. If anything, I hope to see her new show in Las Vegas sometime this summer, and would never admit in public that a remix of ‘Gypsys, Tramps & Thieves’ is part of my workout playlist on my iPod. So no, I don’t hate Cher.

I also don’t hate the elderly, and believe that most people don’t hate the elderly as well. I do however believe that part of the reason that the elderly aren’t hated is because it’s difficult to hate something that’s invisible. While a very small percentage of society may actually abhor the elderly, the percentage of society that disregards their seniors is inestimable. We forget they exist. We don’t know who they are. In a youth-obsessed society, it’s easy to ignore anyone old enough to remember why a 2000’s recession doesn’t compare to a 1930’s depression. Can we blamed? It’s easy for a person to recognize that they are guilty of the sin of murder when they flee from police in a blood-soaked White Ford Bronco (sorry, too soon?), but it’s rather difficult to identify the moment in which they become guilty for the sin of omission.

Simply put, very few people are pushing old ladies down the stairs. But only because no one remembers where the old lady lives.

In a society saturated with naked magazine covers, starlet-obsessed blogs, and blogs about naked magazine covers, is it any surprise that our seniors are being bulldozed so that the Highway of Youth and Beauty may be constructed? “We sincerely do apologize for the inconvenience Mrs. McGillicuddy, and understand that you’ve lived here for over 60 years. But eminent domain allows the information highway to cut through your garden, and neither Entertainment Weekly nor PerezHilton.com can be bothered to go around your house.”

Why is our society perpetually fascinated with eternal youth? Many of us with a Dorian Gray complex (i.e. those who search for the fountain of life; the cast of Designing Women) turn our noses up at anyone who correctly fulfills the AARP’s membership requirement of naming the best episode of Matlock (episode 78, for those keeping score at home). Considering that the elderly are occasionally treated with disrespect by some, one feels prompted to ask: is there a difference between judging some according to their race and judging others according to their age? Saying that John McCain is older than Methuselah – or worse, Larry King – is considered fair game, while saying [inappropriate woman joke] about Hillary Clinton or [inappropriate black joke] about Barack Obama are grounds for getting one fired. Does John McCain have any control over his age, anymore than Hillary Clinton has over her gender or Barack Obama has over his race?

My great-grandmother passed away last year at the age of I-don’t-remember. Like my grandmother, I also believe that the age of 90 is a good time to stop keeping track of one’s age. She was a remarkable woman with an incredible sharp sense of humor (very little of which was passed on to me, as is evident by this column), and visited many countries throughout her amazing lifetime. I consider myself fortunate to have had a close relationship with her, and cherish the memories that I have. At the same time though, I’m ashamed to admit that I was the grandson who visited her whenever my schedule would permit. I most likely spent more time on YouTube just this last week than I spent visiting my great-grandmother in all of 2007. I realize that I can’t rewind time (my flux capacitator is in the shop), but I can’t help but wonder what other relationships with elderly friends and family members I’ve ignored, simply because I was too busy doing other stuff.

Are potential friendships, relationships, employments or other opportunities overlooked with an older individual simply because he or she is old enough to remember the “Cougar” in John Mellencamp? Or old enough to remember a singer-songwriter named “John Mellencamp?” Are the talents and brilliance of older artists, musicians, actors, politicians, and others ignored simply because they’re two or three or seven times older than ourselves? While I don’t plan on voting for John McCain, I recognize that my past jokes about his age (“he’s so old that he remembers when Mr. Clean had an afro”) make me guilty of assuming his age brings senility instead of experience. Our society may be awash with all things youth-oriented, but there’s no reason we can’t respect our seniors for the experience they have over us. I know that if anyone has a long ways to go, it’s myself.

I think maybe I’ll start by going to Las Vegas and seeing Cher.

Everybody Hates Bullshattuck (Episode 3), Starring Cher

She's won an Emmy for The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour. She's won an Academy Award for Moonstruck. She's won like a billion Grammys for who even knows. And now, as if she hasn't done enough already, Cher is inspiring people to declare their hatred for me.

I wrote a column for the Daily Utah Chronicle a few days ago. It's important to note that this column was not about Cher. It had nothing to do with Cher at all. Rather, it was about the loss of privacy in the age of Google. I made one random, dumb joke about Cher. I'll admit that the joke didn't really make that much sense. It is as follows:

Many people want to be famous, whether it be the hordes of people auditioning for "American Idol," or Cher, whose desperate attempts at clinging to fame are marked by the fact that she's had more farewell tours than most people have teeth.

And then they released the hounds.

People (whom I assume to be rabid fans of the Salt Lake City branch of Cher's fan club, escaped patients from the local mental ward, or a combination of both), went bat-defecation crazy! People started leaving all sorts of wonderfully ridiculous comments on my column. I was accused of not being factual! I was accused of defamation! I was accused of shoddy journalism! I was accused of personally being responsible for the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, for causing the Iran-Contra Scandal, and of giving Suri Cruise too much candy before bedtime! (c'mon, you know it keeps her up at night)

Now added to my list of never-joke-about topics: "Cher." She should take comfort in knowing that she joins such other renowned never-joke-about topics as "Mother Teresa," "breast cancer," "Tamagotchis," and the "Olive Garden." "Ugly toupees" is still pending approval.

I won't post all of the Ryan-Shattuck-should-die comments, as I don't have that kind of storage or bandwith. If you're interested, you can read them in their entirety here.

I will however include my favorite comment, as left by the president of of Cher's Salt Lake City Fan Club:

Bullshattuck Is Wishing You a Happy Grammar Day

According to Mental Floss, today are National Grammar Day! I never knowed that the Society for the Promotion of Good Grammar even existed - let alone have their own National Grammar Day - so I'm going out to celebrate!

How does somebody celebrates National Grammar Day, you may be asking? Their website have a few suggestions:

How can I participate?

Speak well! Write well! And on March 4, march forth and spread the word. If you see a sign with a catastrophic apostrophe, send a kind note to the storekeeper. If your local newscaster says "Between you and I," set him straight with a friendly e-mail.

You might also enjoy the SPOGG Awards, which will be given annually to the city and celebrity most guilty of grammar and language offenses. This year, Columbia, S.C. and President George W. Bush took top honors. Read more here.

Some of our members are planning Good-Grammar Potlucks at their offices. What do you serve at good-grammar potlucks? High-fiber foods, of course. They're good for the colon. Afterward, at happy hour, we recommend the Grammartini. planning Good-Grammar Potlucks at their offices. What do you serve at good-grammar potlucks? High-fiber foods, of course. They're good for the colon. Afterward, at happy hour, we recommend the Grammartini.

As for me, I'm celebrating by:

*Learns the difference between "two," "to" and "too!"

*Buy a bunches of red pens!

*Stops using semicolons; so often!

*Don't uses "that" when "which" would works as well!

*Call my old English AP teacher Mrs. Gaylord and tells her I always hated sentence diagrams!

*Wash it all down with a Grammartini!

How is you celebrating National Grammar Day?

White Men Can't Get a Break (Nor Can They Jump, But That's Another Story)

I just hate being a white male. I can't ever seem to catch a break. Like, ever. For example, check out this totally not hilarious blog that's been popping up a lot lately, Stuff White People Like. Don't go visit it. Right now.

I sure am glad that people, such as Sen. Margaret Dayton of Orem, are speaking out in the defense of white males everywhere:

"It seems like the white male is such a burden or frustration to society . . . I really have angst with the growing discrimination towards the white male family-oriented Christian male. I'm just really frustrated with that."

Let's look past the fact that she says "white male family-oriented Christian male," clearly indicating that her frustration doesn't apply to women. Male. Stop saying male. Male. Male. I understand her frustration, because what frustrates me is when people write sarcastic letters to the editor attacking white-defending Sen. Dayton, like this guy for example (male):

The angst of Republican Sen. Margaret Dayton of Orem regarding "the growing discrimination towards the white male family-oriented Christian male" really hit home ("Buttars trying to get back to work," Tribune, Feb. 21). Being a white male myself, I wonder when, or even if, I'll ever get to see one of my own in a position of power. I mean, look at our congressional delegation - only five white men. And there are hardly any males of northern European descent in the Utah Legislature, and some of them are not "family-oriented." You have to look pretty dang hard to find any ecclesiastical leaders who are both white and male in Utah. It's sad, but Dayton is right. We just can't catch a break.

Michael Tielborg
Salt Lake City

I sure wish our Utah representatives would pass legislation in defense of the Defenseless White Man. African-American people have Black Heritage Month and Martin Luther King Day - can't the poor white male family-oriented Christian male ever get our own month? Or even our own day?

You know, aside from every single day of the year throughout history?

(p.s. That picture of a white family up there? It's totally not the cast of Roseanne. Male.)

Lies Can Help Find Truth

(This article was published in the
February 15th, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)

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It's all right. I can handle the truth. I wouldn't ask for an opinion if I knew I couldn't take it. Don't worry about me. I have a thick skin. I simply want to know: Do these pants make me look fat?

If the answer is "yes," I don't want to hear it.

Dishonesty is a sticky substance. Its caustic matter worms its way through nearly all aspects of our lives, from politics and entertainment to relationships and crummy columns written in The Daily Utah Chronicle by Ryan Shattuck. Nearly everyone will agree that dishonesty should be avoided like the plague -- or Chuck Norris -- but what does one do when dishonesty shows up, despite our best intentions? Many of us would probably agree that we don't take issue with dishonesty, as long as it's happening to someone else. A president impeached for lying about oral sex? A celebrity disgraced for lying about drugs? A reporter fired for plagiarism? Wonderful -- as long as it's "them" and "not me." Dishonesty is the green material used on Nickelodeon's "You Can't Do That on Television" -- no one wants to be slimed themselves, but it's entertaining to watch it happen to someone else.

I recognize that it might seem curious -- and even hypocritical -- for someone such as myself, a "humor" columnist, to write about a topic such as dishonesty when my idea of "research" consists of blatantly copying from Wikipedia, making up facts as I go and transcribing my conversations with a homeless guy named Carl. However, I suppose the same argument might be raised if Stephen Colbert advocated "sincerity" or if Ryan Seacrest advocated "talent." One doesn't need to actually employ a particular topic to have an opinion on that topic.

My personal opinions aside, where does one draw the line when deciding between honesty and dishonesty? Does one employ honesty when asked "Does my breath smell?" Should one answer "yes" to "Have you finished that document?" Is "Very much so" the appropriate answer to "Do these glasses make me look like Carrie Donovan?"

NPR's current events talk show, "Talk of the Nation," recently explored the topic of honesty. Amy Dickinson, a syndicated advice columnist, answered listeners' questions and encouraged honesty in most situations, though approving of white lies in difficult situations. Brad Blanton, author of the book Radical Honesty: How to Transform Your Life By Telling the Truth, disagrees with the notion of constructive white lies and believes that 100 percent honesty, even if brutal, can be healthy for relationships. This is a different view from what most people believe, including myself. On the one hand, perhaps true honesty can be appropriate without becoming brutal.

However, on the other hand, I can't see any advantage to telling my boss that I was five minutes late to work because I was watching "Project Runway" on YouTube.

If the healthiest relationships are based on honesty, it would therefore make sense why many of us also demand clarity and honesty in our politics, media and entertainment. In this presidential election, much is often said and asked of who's being more authentic. Some pundits have argued that John McCain rose past Mitt Romney because of his authenticity. The same has also been said of Barack Obama's delegate lead over Hillary Clinton. It appears as though American voters have become so frustrated with the media's and politicians' attempts at spinning stories and dodging the truth that many simply want a president who will be honest with the public. Most people understand that "politician" is Latin for "one who lies through one's teeth to be elected," but can it be possible in this presidential election to transcend this presumption?

It can be difficult to traverse the constant barrage of truths, half-truths and flat-out lies that are constantly thrown at us. How is one to discern the difference among CNN's, Fox News's, MSNBC's, the blogosphere's, late-night talk show hosts' and one local make-it-up-as-you-go columnist's coverage of a story? The truth might not always be out there and true honesty might be difficult to find. The bright side to this issue is that although we might not necessarily have control of the honesty of politicians and the media, at least we have control when it comes to the honesty in our personal relationships.

To remind myself of the importance of honesty, I have a framed quote by Mark Twain above my bed that reads, "Truth is the most valuable thing we have, so I try to conserve it." This reminds me that I would have no problem in telling Twain that those pants make him look fat.

No, I don't have a framed quote by Twain above my bed.

That was a lie.