What a Lovely Inversion
February 22nd, 2008 issue of the The Daily Utah Chronicle)
“In the future, the air will become so polluted, that no one will be able to exercise outside, and old people and babies will be warned to not even go outside at all, out of fear that they may turn into a pillar of dust and/or Joan Rivers.” says the Soothsayer.
“But creepy Uncle Soothsayer,” say the children, “we don’t plan on living in Los Angeles when we’re older. We’re going to live in Salt Lake City.”
“Good luck.” says the Soothsayer.
Happy Winter! Dress warm, so that you don’t freeze. Wash your hands, so that you don’t get the flu. Don’t go outside, so that you don’t develop respiratory problems. For those of you who don’t have the privilege of living in the Bowl Of Pea Soup that we call the Salt Lake Valley, every winter the valley develops an ‘inversion,’ in which air particles from factory emissions, car exhaust, pollutants, family style buffet restaurants, and just smog in general get trapped between the mountains that make up the valley. Last year’s inversion was one of the worst we’ve had in quite some time, and this year doesn’t promise to be any better. Why does it appear as though the inversion becomes increasingly worse every year? There are always a couple of theories:
Is it because of global warming?
Is it because of the wrath of God?
Is it because of the over-industrialization of modern society and increase in automobiles on the road?
It could be a combination of all three. It could be none of the above. I don’t entirely know, as my background in science consists of mixing baking soda, vinegar, and still not entirely understanding where babies come from. If I were a scientist and the fate of the Salt Lake Valley somehow rested on my shoulders, our most advanced tools would be sticks and we would groom each other’s hair for breakfast. Despite my lack of scientific knowledge, I couldn’t help but feel apprehensive when I read of the ‘red alert’ in the Salt Lake Tribune a few days ago, which warns of the following:
“The Utah Department of Air Quality today issued a “Red” air action alert for the Wasatch and the Cache Valley, thanks to a buildup of high pressure over Utah . . . Under such advisories, sensitive people, particularly children and the elderly, should reduce prolonged or heavy exertion outdoors. And all wood burning is prohibited”
I suppose my annual ‘Adopt a Grandparent From a Retirement Home and Take Them to a Bonfire’ Day will have to be canceled.
Inversion is funny! No, not entirely. It’s genuinely something to beware of, and it’s rather sad that we now live in a time in which, for several days every winter, we’re actually told to not go outside. We don’t stay indoors when it rains. We don’t stay indoors when it snows. We are told however, to limit being outside during the inversion. We are now managed by what days the government tells us are ‘red’ days and ‘inversion’ days and ‘unsafe’ days and ‘you may as well take up smoking’ days.
Sure, Salt Lake City may not have reached Los Angeles-esque levels yet, and we certainly haven’t had anything similar to The Great Smog that killed several thousands of people in London in 1952. Nevertheless, it’s a terrifying thing to think that these comparisons are even being used at all. The comparison alone is lethal.
Granted, temperature inversion is something that already exists in the natural world. It’s a phenomenon that appears in valleys untouched by humans all over the world. Regardless, I don’t think that Mother Nature intended for pea soup fog to have a crunchy, brown topping. Being a non-scientist, I’d like to assume that the recent levels of inversion are something that doesn’t occur naturally. This is rather aggravating, for the inversion often affects those who don’t play as big of a part in actually causing the inversion. It’s ironic that on severe inversion days, it is requested by the public that they take public transportation instead of driving. While this would be good advice before the inversion occurs, who’s willing to wait outside for a public bus or wait outside for a public train?
Oh I’m sorry, have you already died? Let me go ahead and treat that bullet wound you were complaining about.
Until winter is over, I suppose I’ll just put up with the inversion and risk foul smelling air and poor health. I’ll continue to hold my breath while waiting for TRAX. And while jogging outside. And while developing a fungus along the inner dining room of my lungs. Either that, or move from the mountain skies to a city that has cleaner air.
I hear that downtown Los Angeles is nice.
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